I rejected friend from work who made drunk pass at me

I’m a straight woman, late 30s. My close work colleague knows this because we confide in each other and she met my last boyfriend. She’s married. We both have children. Recently, when my kids were with their father, she came over and we drank too much. Then she came on to me, to the point of starting to undress. I was shocked. I have no problem with her being bisexual, if that’s the case (she’s never said this). But I don’t know how to handle this. It was a very awkward scene, we were both crying when I backed away from her and said that I wasn’t interested in her or any other woman that way.

I felt that nothing I said was coming out right.

Aweek later, I can hardly look at her at work. What can I say or do to get past this? Very Uncomfortable

She’s at least as uncomfortable as you are.

There was no overt coercion. She made an approach, you rejected it honestly, and hopefully weren’t insulting or LGBTQ-phobic.

Your friend may be a later-in-life lesbian, or she may have hidden an attraction to women for fear of just these consequences.

But your long trusting connection let her feel safe to test your response.

Alcohol may have played a part, but she wasn’t pushy or persistent.

The U.S. psychotherapist Dr. Joy Davidson has written:

“Instead of falling into static, either/or categories, a woman’s sexual and romantic attractions can be fluid and extremely variable throughout her life span.

“What some people might call being ‘open’ to experiences is often referred to in sexology as ‘sexual fluidity.’ ”

You were clear that you don’t happen to be “open.”

Greet her at work. Hopefully, time will ease the awkwardness in your friendship. I’m 35 and never had a great relationship with my dad.

My brother hasn’t talked to him in 10 years due to his absenteeism from our lives.

Two years ago, my father got into a relationship with a woman. She encouraged him to have a relationship with me and my children. He was calling me, we took a trip to the zoo, etc.

But now, his girlfriend has a problem with me, so my dad’s withdrawing again. She ended his talking to me or my kids (he calls me secretly).

If I ask him for a favour and he agrees, he’ll later retract his offer.

I assume it’s because he told his girlfriend about it. How do I confront him about this or should I take it as a loss because he’ll never be the dad I need him to be? His children will never be a priority in his life. In/Out Father

Sometimes it’s good just to know where you stand.

Your father isn’t a reliable father or grandfather. His partner is uncomfortable with his being close to family. The notion of doing “favours” clearly isn’t appealing to them.

Meanwhile, you don’t describe him as unpleasant or difficult when you’re together, so there’s no reason to cut him off entirely — unless your disappointment in him brings back deep hurt from your childhood.

Consider breaking the pattern he’s set simply by seeing him when he’s available and not stressing over when he’s not. Your kids will at least have known their grandfather, and they’ll also see what having a caring father in their life really means.

Not just cutting him off is a kindness that’s part of your role model. Feedback regarding the best friend whose breakup changed her behaviour to promiscuous (Jan. 12): Reader: “My immediate thought was that she should encourage her friend to see her health practitioner.

“One thing that a clinician would wonder is if this is an initial hypomanic or manic event in an undiagnosed bipolar individual.

“As you noted, testing for sexually transmitted infections is a needed part of her health care.

“But determining the reason for the changed behaviour is equally important.”

Ellie: Like you, I often feel that a person’s mental-health state warrants a medical check NOT because she’s necessarily sick, and also not to ignore the fact that she’s entitled to a reaction after the loss of a longtime relationship.

Rather, seeing a doctor or nurse practitioner is a proactive step in moving forward.

Medication isn’t always necessary, but a checkup at least rules out anything harmful that’s underlying her behaviour and undermining her energy and self-confidence. Tip of the day An unexpected but gentle samegender sexual approach doesn’t have to end a friendship if both stay respectful. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.

There’s no reason to cut him off entirely — unless your disappointment in him brings back deep hurt from your childhood