Man inconsolable after losing his soulmate

I’m the “My soulmate has just one problem: a boyfriend” man from a previous column (July 20):

“It’s been five months since I’ve walked away, but I’m still struggling with moving on.

“I’ve had dates with women I’ve been attracted to mentally and physically, which have gone well, until I leave in tears because I really don’t want to be there.

“I’m an attractive man, personable, with a solid career, confident, educated, with great friends.

“Yet here I am — willing to give everything up for one conversation, a hug, a kiss, from the one that got away.

“I’m replaying everything in my head repeatedly until I’m in tears in the middle of my work day, my commute, the gym, etc. “My soulmate is gone. “For the first time in my life, I’m lost, unmotivated and inconsolable by anyone who’s tried.” #LOSTASCANBE

You need to find yourself and no one else can do it for you.

No “date” should be your saviour. Not even your soulmate.

The desperation you feel is about your own soul, and what you mistakenly think is the only way to nurture it.

Previously, you wrote that you’re in your mid-20s. That means you have years ahead to have fulfilling relationships if you come to understand yourself better.

You’ve given over your sense of happiness to this past girlfriend. You need to regain your own control of your life.

Use all those positives about your- self to trust your ability to get past this mourning period, and start to connect again with others — close friends, and eventually other available women to whom you’re attracted.

Moving on purposefully is a process you have to actively choose through respecting and saving yourself.

It has been 13 years of ups and downs, with two kids involved. My husband’s consumed with work, sleeping and being on his phone. We barely talk on weekends when he’s home.

Our sex life decreased. I’m afraid he doesn’t find me attractive anymore. He’s fed up with my constant whining about how I feel. Our emotional connection has dissolved.

He’s reached his limit with me and calls it quits. He won’t take me back.

Going to bed alone while he works, I feel abandoned and very alone.

I don’t tell my family because I’m afraid of their negative comments.

I feel that I’m going insane and can’t stop crying.

I want to stay strong for my kids, but I’m losing hope.

I wanted to go to counselling, but his mind’s made up. What can I do to keep him? Distraught

When children and a separation are involved, finding your inner strengths may be very tough, but it’s crucial to the emotional and mental health of you and your kids to do so, fast.

Even without him attending, getting counselling is essential for you now.

It’ll allow you to vent your feelings without dealing with his or others’ negative comments. You’ll get pro- fessional feedback and guidance, and start to see what’s necessary for you to do to get through this.

I can’t know what’s caused your partner’s detachment.

Nor can you “keep” someone who’s not saying what he wanted from you.

But you need a different reaction from dependency and fear, which he’s already ignoring, to get through this and regain your self-confidence.

I urge you to research the law and/or see a lawyer to learn what your rights and responsibilities are — and stand up for them right away — if the breakup persists.

Tip of the day When a “soulmate” moves on emotionally, the description no longer applies. Move on, too. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.