Navigating dating #MeToo in the era
Three Toronto experts share their insights, hopes and fears around the budding sexual revolution that prizes compassion
Dating has always been tricky. Two people seeking a connection, each with their own attitudes and experiences, both navigating a tumult of emotions, all the while trying to impress — never mind the fear of rejection or the chance your date turns out to be a creep.
But in the four months following the Harvey Weinstein sex-abuse allegations and the rise of the #MeToo movement, some would argue dating today is even trickier. Now, there are even more questions — and many would say rightly so — about how to hook up, whether for one night or forever.
The Star asked three Toronto experts — a sex shop owner, a sexuality educator and a professor who is teaching a sociology course called Sex in the 6ix — how to traverse this burgeoning sexual revolution.
In their own words, here are their insights, hopes and fears about dating in the #MeToo era, and tips on how to connect with compassion: “We are not entitled to anyone else’s body or anyone else’s time or space” Heather Elizabeth is a Torontobased sexuality educator; gender queer — “I don’t neatly fit into the box of man or woman”; uses pronouns “she” and “they”; offers professional training, workshops and counselling/ coaching. “My aim is to have difficult and complex conversations so people can get down to having the sex they really want to be having.” Hot take on dating in 2018 We are in unprecedented times. It’s not that sexual violence is new, but the way that it’s being talked about with nuance is new.
A lot of people are feeling a lot of fear right now and that is OK. Don’t shove away your feelings around dating, but do try to remember that, as individuals, we have a lot of choice about how we treat other people with kindness and compassion. Balancing entitlement We are not entitled to anyone else’s body or anyone else’s time or space.
We need to learn how to balance entitlement — knowing we deserve connection and pleasure — with the knowledge that we are not entitled to it from any particular person.
There is still this idea that people should go after any person they think is attractive. That’s over-entitlement.
On the flip side, we see people who are afraid to date and think: “Who am I to deserve this?” Under-entitlement hinders your ability to show up in the world.
Yes, we deserve love and connection and pleasure, but we need to learn how to hold who we get them from loosely. Enthusiastic consent
Usually what happens when people have sex and their partner looks bored, they try harder, which is kind of the opposite of what should be happening under the enthusiastic consent model.
Instead, we should be pausing and saying, “I see that you’re not so into this, so how can we make it more fun for you.” Or we could say: “Hey, maybe it’s time to go chill for a little bit.”
Right now, society treats sex as scarce — that once you’ve got it, don’t let go of it, keep pushing through to the end. That’s not likely to lead to positive outcomes. Get curious about yourself Think about what range of pleasures and what range of desires you are open to and think about these in a completely non-sexual moment. So, for example, standing in line at the grocery store: If someone smiles at you, would that feel nice or not feel nice for you?
The reason you think about these feelings in a non-sexual situation is that when someone asks you to go back to their place, you can tap into your body to figure out what you want from that encounter.
Maybe you would want to say: “I’m not sure what I’m up for right now, but as long we can keep talking about it, then I’m comfortable joining you.”
It’s really difficult to know how you might feel in a specific moment and how you will feel in an hour. But if you consider the options available beforehand, that gives you more space for talking about things. Where will the #MeToo movement take us? I hope this is a wake-up call for people to get curious about why people feel like they haven’t been able to say “no” — or why they felt like they had to say “yes.”
We need to learn to let other people set their space and timing. It goes back to individual choice and power. “The quick and dirty way to not violate other people’s consent is to be more focused on your partner’s pleasure, rather than your own” Jack Lamon is a longtime worker/ owner at Toronto’s Come As You Are Co-Operative, a sex shop with an “anti-capitalist and feminist approach to sexual pleasure”; transgender man; uses pronouns “he” and “him”; runs outreach workshops; particular interests include philosophy, tech, ethics and sex. Hot take on dating in 2018 People are a little terrified. The socalled “good guys” are pretty anxious. And I think it’s great that people are a little more on edge about how their actions are being perceived, and it’s wonderful to have this sort of discourse. It gives people a hook to have conversations with their partners and potential partners.
It’s helpful for young men to be so cognizant of the fact that their behaviours may not be perceived as the way they are intending. Consent I don’t think the #MeToo issues that have arisen are because people didn’t understand consent. I don’t think Harvey Weinstein doesn’t understand consent. I think he doesn’t acknowledge other people’s personhoods and therefore doesn’t care about their right to consent.
I think the vast majority who bowl over other people’s desires or preferences do so because they don’t care. I don’t think you can train people through consent-based workshops to care about others.
The issues with consent are much larger than sexuality. And the issues with rape culture stem from not seeing people as full people. Respect people in all aspects of their lives If we fully acknowledge that other people have full personhoods — their own thoughts and desires — as we consider ourselves as full people, then we’d have a much harder time disregarding other people’s preferences or needs. It’s not about you The quick and dirty way to not violate other people’s consent is to be more focused on your partner’s pleasure, rather than your own. Make sure your partner comes first. Focus on your partner and do lots of verbal check-ins to make sure, at each stage, that they are into it.
People say verbal check-ins are weird, but I think they are terrifically romantic. So, things like: “May I kiss you? I’d love to kiss your hand right now.” There is nothing sexier. People think dirty talk is really hard, but it’s not. You just say the thing you want to do in a sort of sexy voice and that can double as your consent check-in. There is nothing hotter than expressing your desire verbally and having your partner express their desire verbally. Getting that first date — without being a creep In situations in your life that are not power-laden — you’re not being asked out by a teacher or someone you are babysitting or someone who you are superior to at work — I don’t think it’s that difficult to negotiate.
One of the best ways to come on to a person in a sensitive way is to just give them your phone number and then they can choose to get in touch with you. Then you are also building consent into that relationship. So, to say something respectfully, like: “Hey, I think you are really cute. If you’re interested, give me a call, and if you’re not, let’s not worry about this.” It’s so classic and it’s so boring, but I think it really works. Where will the #MeToo movement take us? I would like to think that this will lead to more people coming out honestly about their experiences, about their desires. My wildest fantasy would be that this leads to an era of having much more open and honest conversations between couples. My hope is that it leads to more intimacy and honesty. “I think there is a cultural assumption that just being alone with a man acts as consent” Jooyoung Lee is an associate professor of sociology at the University of Toronto with an expertise in studying human relationships and interactions, including sex, love and dating. American-born; cis heterosexual male; currently teaching an undergraduate course called Sex in the 6ix. Hot take on dating in 2018 One of the things that has come up in my class, for example, is that people feel as if the very notions of sex and sexuality are becoming increasingly taboo topics to talk about openly. And I see that as a bad thing.
It would be a terrible thing if, after the #MeToo movement has run its course, one of the outcomes is that people are scared to talk openly about their experiences dating, having sex, falling in love, breaking up and everything in between. The Aziz Ansari example My approach is to highlight the positive side of dating and sex and romance and love. That’s at the core of my class. I had assigned Modern Romance (a popular book co-authored by actor and comedian Aziz Ansari) as one of our texts for later in the course. But then the stuff that happened with Aziz (an unnamed photographer accused Ansari of sexual misconduct in a January story published in Babe) forced a detour in the class. We had to confront what happened, which is an example of a guy who doesn’t pick up on the clues that a woman isn’t interested sexually and persists, much to her dislike.
At least half of the women in my class have had an experience like Grace (the unnamed photographer in the Babe story). I think there is a cultural assumption that just being alone with a man acts as consent, as Aziz’s story illustrates so poignantly. It’s not black and white There is a lot of bumper-sticker analysis in the #MeToo era. Things like “Yes means Yes and No means No,” which are pretty black and white and simplistic.
Consent is not that simple. There is a negotiation that happens in a sexual encounter; it’s fluid, dynamic, unfolding. .
Now there are even apps that play off the narrative of “Yes means Yes and No means No.” You can get an app that essentially serves as a sexual contract; before you go out with somebody you can check what you are willing or not willing to do. In a lot of ways, that app is a symbol for the anxieties people have around dating. Hookup culture Right now, we (the U of T class) are reading American Hookup: The New Culture of Sex on Campus by Lisa Wade. It portrays the idea of how people are socialized their whole lives to think of college and university as a place for sexual experimentation, a fun and free time in their lives. And in fact, people feel a lot of pressure to have to play that game.
But some students in my class are abstaining from hookup culture. They are open to dating and falling in love and having sex, but they don’t necessarily want to be on Tinder anymore. Part of me wonders, as successful as these apps have been, whether they are the equivalent of e-readers that were supposed to replace printed books, but never really have. Where will the #MeToo movement take us? I hope one of the positives to come out of this will mean that more people who have been assaulted and harassed will feel emboldened to come forward. I hope men, in particular, will gain empathy that it is difficult to be a woman in 2018. I hope we can get through this and become less repressed and less anxious about sex.
But I know a lot of air needs to be cleared before we can get there. But if we can do that, my hope is that would encourage people to put themselves out there, to fall in love, to discover their own sexuality. How have you experienced the dating scene in the months following the Harvey Weinstein sex abuse allegations? Has the #MeToo movement left you more anxious about dating? Or, now that we’re talking more about consent and coercion, is hooking up more clear cut? Send us your thoughts and experiences. We may share them with readers in the Star and on thestar.com. Email Megan Ogilvie at mogilvie@thestar.ca and include the phrase #MeToo in the subject line. Or write to: Toronto Star, Life Department (#MeToo), 1 Yonge St.