Cut off from grandchildren after cruel comment

Five years ago, my son’s wife died from cervical cancer. My wife had a very poor relationship with her and her family. She believed his wife was a former escort and likely had a sexually transmitted disease, which caused her cancer. She died while we were away overseas. My wife insisted that we skip the funeral to avoid drama with her family. To avoid an argument, I agreed. When we returned, we contacted our son to send our condolences and see our grandkids. He refused to allow us to visit.

My wife said that his wife brought on her own death due to her background and he angrily hung up. He later emailed me denying that she was an escort and criticizing us for skipping the funeral. He permanently barred my wife from seeing our grandkids; as I have a stronger relationship with him, he’d only allow me to see them if she and I were no longer together. We understood he was grieving and hoped time would heal these wounds.

Five years later, he’s cut off all contact with us and is still sticking to his demands.

He’s since remarried and is expecting a child. We’re now thinking that we may’ve made a serious mistake and would like to reconcile. But he’s insistent that we be divorced first before he considers allowing only me to see his children.

I think he’s being unreasonable. Shut Out

You deeply offended your son, having trashed and insulted his wife both during her illness and in death, based on uninformed, nasty assumptions.

While cervical cancer is almost always caused by human papillomavirus, or HPV, it doesn’t mean that the woman had to have been an escort or promiscuous.

In America alone, more than 11,000 women are diagnosed with invasive cervical cancer annually. They’re certainly not all sex workers, escorts or promiscuous.

Yes, you made a mistake. If you didn’t agree with your wife, and since she’s not described as your son’s mother, you should have returned alone for the funeral of your son’s wife and grandchildren’s mother.

Frankly, you showed yourself as weak and deeply hurt your son. It’s generous that he still wants you to be part of his life. And understandable that he doesn’t want her included.

However, divorce is a major decision for you alone. You have years ahead . . . are you two otherwise happy together? Can you accept not seeing your son and his family?

Offer to visit alone and never involve your wife with him or his kids. If he doesn’t agree, you have tough considerations affecting your years ahead. My wife has given up on sex for 15 years. She says she doesn’t need it, but gives me manual release once/twice weekly. She’s 55 and I am in my early 60s.

I love sex. I’ve started to use escorts/massages, etc. I hate doing this but other than leaving her, this is how I survive.

It’s expensive, dangerous and worries me. I try to quit for maybe a month then return to my habits.

I’m retired, but considering what I spend on this, I can afford to talk to someone for help (not my doctor, whom we share). Expensive Sex Habit

Talk to a sex therapist. You’re not alone in this kind of situation and an experienced professional will have suggestions, e.g. soft porn and perhaps even other intimacies with your wife.

Share what you learn and she may find it interesting and also attend with you. Or not.

You showed yourself as weak and deeply hurt your son. It’s generous that he still wants you to be part of his life

Tip of the day If you cross a line of respect with a family member, don’t be surprised when you’re barred from reconciling. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.