Clear up dinner arrangements in advance
Question No. 1: I live with my brother. Often we have friends over for dinner and cook a nice meal. Some ask if they can bring something, others just show up. If we order in, we prefer to pay the full bill. Tonight, we went to other friends’ for dinner.
Another couple was also there; as they left, they asked how much they owed for the meal. My brother then paid our share according to what was decided. We had also brought wine and dessert.
Shouldn’t the host have paid the bill, just as we do? Question No. 2: My daughter attended a potluck recently with a bunch of recent grads. She brought a bottle of wine and when she went to have a second glass, another guest was draining the bottle.
Shouldn’t other people have brought their own drinks, just as our daughter did?
When I invite someone, anyone, to my house for dinner, it is my responsibility to provide the food, beverages and anything else necessary for my guest to have an enjoyable evening.
My guests’ responsibilities are to inform me of any food allergies, show up on time, be pleasant company and go home when I start to yawn — usually about 8:15.
Many guests who come to our house are kind enough to bring gifts — a bottle of wine, a bouquet of tulips, whatever. That’s lovely, and we appreciate it. But these are gifts, not admission tickets or contributions to the meal; for example, when guests bring wine, I usually don’t serve it with the meal we’ve prepared, but set it aside for another occasion. We are providing dinner, because that’s a host’s responsibility; the wine, chocolates or whatever are gifts to be enjoyed later. This is especially true if the wine they brought is better than the one I’ve already purchased! It usually is. Other arrangements are, of course, equally fine, but here’s the trick: If a host expects guests to contribute to a meal, it is the host’s responsibility to make that clear at the time of the invitation. This is not a time to be coy or cutesy; if you expect someone to contribute to dinner, as a host you must find a (preferably polite) way to tell them.
In Question No. 1, the host should have been clear that you would be expected to share the cost of the food. If that’s OK, accept the invitation; if not, stay home. We do this regularly with some of our best friends; the invitation sounds like “Come on over; we’ll decide what we want and order in when you get here.” Everyone understands that the meal is a shared responsibility.
In Question No. 2, the dinner was described as “potluck.” After July 1, that expression will take on a whole new meaning in Canada, but until then, that means everyone brings stuff to be shared by everyone else. If your daughter brought pot stickers, she knew that others would share them, while she in turn sampled John’s pulled pork and Susan’s brownies. So why assume that she, and only she, would drink the wine? When you contribute something to a potluck, it is no longer yours; it belongs to the community.
When everyone shares, there’s almost always enough to go around. Send your questions to star.ethics@ yahoo.ca