> OFF THE RACK
STAR
Cover: Mary-Kate Olsen may or may not be pregnant with the child of her boyfriend, Olivier Sarkozy; naturally, her sister Ashley’s response, Star suggests, is essentially “Noooo! We have to get pregnant together! You’re ruining our weird creepy twin thing!” You may find that you are already at the limit of your interest in the Olsens, whose last acting credit came in 2011; if not, well, see if you can’t knock Ashley up. A matching set again! Claws out: Meryl Streep will appear on the second season of Big Little Lies, and Nicole Kidman fears that the newcomer will overshadow her and dominate any awards prospects. You can see her point; I believe Streep’s speech praising Harvey Weinstein won her an Emmy. Anyway, this feud will be a fine subject of a telepathic holo-program 50 years from now, created by one of Ryan Murphy’s many clones.
LIFE & STYLE
Cover: Kylie Jenner gave birth three weeks ago, and has apparently lost 35 pounds since. That isn’t a regimen, it’s the flesh-eating virus. Also there’s trouble with the daddy, rapper Travis Scott, who hasn’t been around much; an insider says he’s “an extremely private person” and presumably figured that out sometime after choosing his career and baby mama. Pillow talks: TV’s Bachelor Arie Luyendyk Jr. took three different contenders into the coitus chamber for their “overnight dates” and told each, in turn, that he loved her. You’re not as boring as absolutely everyone says, Arie! Dumb and dishonest, maybe, but boring?
IN TOUCH
Cover: A classic. The headline: “Brad & Jen’s SECRET SLEEPOVERS.” The quote inside: “Those close to the pair wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve even had secret sleepovers.” One source says Aniston “could have been spending” time at Pitt’s house. I fear this person “close to the pair” was either a gaffer on Jen’s movie Leprechaun or the key grip on Thelma and Louise. Rebound: Khloé Kardashian and Toronto’s own Tristan Thompson are selling their old designer clothes online, perfect for the 6-feet-9, 238pound man in your life. For the rest of us, that $700 Raf Simons jacket would make a great picnic blanket.