Rosie DiManno’s Olympic A to Z,
H is for hangry in Rosie DiManno’s Pyeongchang A to Z
PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA— What day is this? Where am I? And what the hell is keeping that damn media bus? Oh. It’s over. That’s Olympics No. 15 in the books for this mook, staggering across the finish line.
I’d give these Games a B-minus. But I grow old, I wear the bottom of my trousers rolled . . .
Great Games for Canada though — a record 29 medals. And that’s with some of our go-to sports flopping out.
Herewith, an only slightly chauvinistic look back at Pyeongchang XXIII, an A to Z of oohs and ughs. Somebody turn off the lights.
A: Athletes, first and foremost. Because it’s all about them, 2,913 males and females who competed in Pyeongchang over the past fortnight. In sports many of us may not give a hoot about except during the Olympics but lord knows they do. In sports some of us only cover every four years but, of course, feign instant expertise at. “Yup, she lost her line coming out of that back flip with a 360-degree twist.” “I think he flutzed that Lutz.” “Is this the Oval?” Whether the Games are glitzy or grimy, the athletes always render them grand.
B: Bloemen, Ted-Jan, who went double-Dutch and double-clutch for Canada, beating the skating hero of the nation where he was born for the nation which he adopted. Gold in the 10,000 metres, greatest race in long-track, while Sven Kramer died a slow death, flagging lap by flagging lap. The only distance that Kramer has never won. Four days earlier, Bloemen — who’d been bounced on and off the formidable Netherlands national team over the years — transplanted to Calgary. First Canadian to medal in the 10,000 since 1932. Co-B for Norway’s cross-country Lady of Iron, Marit Bjorgen, who copped her 11th, 12th, 13th and 14th medals in Pyeongchang, make her the most decorated Winter Olympian in history.
C: Curling. And can’t believe I’m saying that. Any more than Canada can believe squat for the women’s rink, squat for the men’s rink. The U.S. is suddenly a curling colossus, on the men’s side anyway. Oh, the inglorious basterds, and on the very same slit-your-wrist day that American women shootout-dusted Canadian women for hockey supremacy. But hey, we’ll always have mixed doubles curling debut laurels.
D: Dope, dopey, dopiest. Russian bobsledder Nadezhda Sergeeva — who a month earlier had posted a video of herself on YouTube wearing a T-shirt proudly proclaiming “I DON’T DO DOPING” — tests positive for a banned stimulant: trimetazidine, a heart medication for which she does not have a prescription. Second Olympic Athlete from Russia to fail a drug test at these Games.
E: For the Exotics: Winter athletes from sub-Saharan Africa, led by Nigeria’s lady bobsledders, echoing — albeit from the distaff angle — Jamaica’s Cool Runnings team that fought for inclusion at the Calgary Games three decades ago. First Africans ever to compete in the event, crowdfunding to get here. Also Sabrina Simader, the teenage alpine skier from Kenya, Akwasi Frimpong, who went from illegal immigrant in the Netherlands to representing the country of his birth, Ghana, at Olympics in skeleton — last place didn’t dampen his celebratory dance — and skier Shannon-Ogbnai Abeda, born in Fort McMurray, flying Ghana’s colours. But not, nope, oil-slathered Tongan cross-country crossover (from taekwondo in Rio) Pita Taufatofua, a charlatan.
F: For the F-bomb, dropped on live TV by 17-year-old Red Gerard of the U.S., youngest ever to win gold in snowboarding; one of the female British curlers (BBC’s commentator apologized for it); and Canada’s curling vice-skip Marc Kennedy, to reporters in the mixed zone: “It is a really f---ing hard game at this level.”
G: Gaga for gays at these Games, although the presence of proudlyout American gay athletes — figure skater Adam Rippon, self-described “America’s Sweetheart,” was a sassy quote machine — ignores the fact that there have always been gay Olympians, some of whom never hid their sexual identity or never made a big deal out of it. But apparently nothing is ever a real thing until Americans get there.
H: The “Hangry” Games, courtesy of cutie Chloe Kim, who charmed the world by tweeting that she was hangry — hungry and angry about it — on the morning of her snowboarding final. A few hours after the 17-year-old American won gold, she was presented with a churro ice cream sandwich by celebrity chef and Momofuku founder Dave Chang.
I: Ivanka Trump, fashionably late for the Olympics, arriving Saturday to head the U.S. delegation at Sunday’s closing ceremony. President Donald Trump’s yin to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un after the latter sent his sister Kim Yo Jong on a charm offensive to the opening ceremony.
J: Jamaica’s women’s bobsled team, dragged unto an unpleasant bit of business when their coach, Sandra Kiriasis, up and quit — or was booted — just as competition was about to start and took the sled with her. Kiriasis posted on her Facebook page: “Without giving any reasons, I was told out of the blue that with immediate effect I should work only as a track and performance analyst, would have to leave the Olympic Village, would lose my accreditation as part of the Jamaican team, and was not supposed to have any more contact with the athletes.’’ Red Stripe, the Jamaican brewing company, bought the sled — “put it on our tab” — and donated it to the ladies. Riding “Mr. Cool Bolt,” in tribute to Usain Bolt, the Jamaicans finished 19th.
K: For The King, Canada’s Mikael Kingsbury, who demolished the field winning gold in moguls, four years after a Sochi runner-up finish. Kingsbury has long worn a shirt that reads: “It’s good to be the king.” All bow.
L: Luge, redemption for Canada’s luge lugs who were cheated out of a medal in Sochi by the cheating cheater Russians, first by a statesponsored doping program and then by track tampering before the team relay event. Team relay silver this time.
M: Mexico, a fashionista gold for the alpine team’s gorgeous Day of the Dead uniforms. Designed by sixtime Mexican Olympian Hubertus of Hohenlohe-Langenburg — a prince! — who wore a mariachithemed race suit in Sochi and a “Mexicano-desperado” suit in Vancouver. Caramba!
N: Netherlands. Sixteen medals in the Oval, seven of them gold. Also, the most happening place in Pyeongchang: Holland House. A quartet of speedskaters took their team pursuit bronze a kick too far, apologizing for tossing a gigantic facsimile medal into the revelers and injuring two women.
O: Oops. Darya Domracheva, exKGB agent, came through the homestretch of the 4x6K biathlon relay first and reached out to grab a Belarusian flag from a spectator to carry across the finish line, but the flag slipped off and she did her celebratory shtick wielding only a naked pole.
P: Penis Park. A real place, 20 kilometres from the Games — formal name Haesindang Park — featuring a large number of phallic statues. Put on the itinerary by the company offering free tours to reporters covering the Olympics. And we flocked. I said, flocked. The Star won’t let me show the photos.
Q: Quads, too many of, in men’s figure skating. Six by American teenager Nathan Chen. BO-RING.
R: Rescue, which is what some athletes — including Canadian pairs skater Meagan Duhamel — have done, adopting doomed pets from dog-meat farms in South Korea.
S: Stinko. The trio of Canadians — a ski cross racer, his wife, a coach — busted on Saturday for carjacking a Hummer and taking it for a boozy joyride to the athletes village.
T: Trolls. Social media-skewering athletes from skier Lindsey Vonn to short-track triple medallist Kim Boutin, who received death threats after disqualification of a South Korean racer resulted in bronze for the Canadian.
U: The thrillingly unheralded, especially Team Germany in men’s hockey, who made it to the gold-medal match Sunday — taking out Canada en route — and Ester Ledecka, the Czech snowboarder who shockingly won the super-G on borrowed skis. At the press conference afterwards, the 22-year-old refused to remove her goggles because she hadn’t put on any makeup that morning. Then she took gold in her real event, snowboard parallel giant slalom, solidifying her status as Snow Queen of the Winter Games — first woman to double gold in two different sports at the same Olympics.
V: Vacant venues. Everywhere. Pitiful crowds.
W: 1) Winnie the Pooh, the stupid stuffed animal adopted as a lucky charm by Japanese figure skater Yuzuru Hanyu. After the free skate final, retrievers collected at least a dozen industrial-sized garbage bags full of Poohs, thrown on to the ice by Hanyu’s adoring fans. 2) Wind, whipping across the Games and causing chaos at women’s slopestyle.
X: X-rated: The “cunniliftus” manoeuvre that Tessa Scott and Scott Moir removed from their free dance. Whole lotta erotica around ice dance, with Frenchwoman Gabriella Papadakis suffering a wardrobe malfunction — bodice of her costume coming undone during the short competition, exposing a coldly erect nipple. Known hereafter as the “nip slip.”
Y: Yuzuru, see above, first back-toback men’s figure skating champion in 56 years.
Z: Zero, which is the number of medals that 65 countries will be taking home from Winter Olympics XXIII.