Boyfriend’s secret hurt me

I’m a woman who recently visited my boyfriend and saw emails of his dating-site postings seeking men.

I panicked. When confronted, he admitted that he’s bisexual, but never met these men, just talked sexually with them online.

He genuinely believed it wasn’t cheating. He considered it like watching porn.

I explained that his hiding it from me meant he knew it was wrong. He said he was ashamed of talking with other men and nobody knew he was attracted to both genders.

I assured him that being bisexual is nothing to be ashamed of, but talking sexually with others while in a serious relationship is wrong.

He then realized it was a form of cheating. He cried, saying he never meant to hurt me and would never do it again.

When initially dating, we shared sexual histories and he said he had experimented with a man once.

I accepted that. I think sexual experimentation when you’re single is healthy. I had done it myself. I now asked if he wanted to be with a man or try it. He said he’s never wanted a relationship with one, it was strictly sexual.

He offered no excuses or defences, taking full responsibility, apologizing repeatedly. I needed space. Through research, I found that a large percentage of people don’t believe online chatting is a form of cheating, though I believe it is. My boyfriend has treated me better than anyone I’ve ever met and has never made me feel unwanted or undesirable. Yet I broke up with him because I didn’t know how we could move past this. I’m not sure how to build trust again.

Also, we live long-distance. Yet I’m crushed by my choice to break up.

Life without him is unimaginable. I

want to be with him but unsure if I can be. Is it a bad idea to try again? Wavering

All relationships carry some risk. There are hidden aspects and private yearnings in almost everyone we know and love.

Your initial perception here was based on a black-and-white belief. He openly, honestly, showed you the grey area in the definition of “cheating” — and your research bore him out.

He likes a little porn, doesn’t want a relationship with a man.

Does that mean he’ll never experiment? Does your current love for him mean you’ll never fantasize about a different man? Who knows?

You made a decision that hurts. Yes, try again.

His “secret” is now open between you. Over the next while you’ll know whether you can live with it, or not. My best friend passed away a year ago of ovarian cancer. She was ill for two years, and the last six months were really bad.

Three months after her death, her husband, who had also been my friend, came to a dinner party with a “date.” They were literally all over each other.

I know he suffered greatly from his wife’s death, but I was offended on her behalf for his disrespect of her memory, so soon.

I can’t contact him, or get past this. How to Handle?

The spouse of someone who’s dying lives with terrible pain he/she can hardly express or avoid.

Their losses of intimacy, companionship and hope start as early as the diagnosis. Many widowed by cancer start dating again at what seems “early” to others.

It has nothing to do with the partner’s memory. It’s about living his life.

Your own loss is painful, and yes, he was insensitive to your feelings. But try to understand his. Tip of the day If you love deeply, it’s worth giving a relationship a second try.

Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.