My wife wants to spice up our sex life

My wife and I are looking to spice up our sex life. She’d like me to have sex with a man. She wants to have sex with a woman. I’m OK with whatever makes her happy. We have friends (man and wife) who are willing to sleep with us.

Is this a good thing? Planning Ahead You won’t know if it’s a “good” or “bad” thing until after it’s happened — and then it may be too late to wish you hadn’t done it. But this is not a question you ask an advice columnist unless, a) you just wanted to write something provocative; or b) you’re serious about this but also uncomfortable and worried about unforeseen consequences.

The encounters could affect your sex life negatively OR positively. Your wife may find sex with a woman more satisfying than with you, the same could happen between you and a man, or a foursome could develop, as could attachments to these other sex partners.

If you both feel you can handle these possibilities, that’s your business, not mine.

My advice is this: Talk it through more. Consider other ways to “spice up” sex together before involving other people.

When you’re certain enough of what you both want to do without needing approval, you’ll have answered your own question.

I’m a successful woman in my 30s who was raised by my mom. My parents were divorced when I was young and since then I’ve had a very unfulfilling relationship with my father.

He jumps from relationship to relationship with women who are never happy with me as his daughter.

His current wife doesn’t like him spending time with me or doing anything for me that a father should.

She’s called me horrible names and has even had him take me out of his will. She’s an alcoholic who’s never been able to hold down a job.

I’ve spoken to him about my concerns but he doesn’t seem to care and our distance is just growing further apart (geographically, too). He doesn’t put much effort into seeing or calling me. I’m doing all of the work just to stay in touch. How much more effort should I put into building a relationship with my father, or merely maintaining what we have? Do I owe him anything? Unconnected Daughter You “owe” him nothing tangible. But you still have mixed emotions about him. And you owe yourself peace of mind.

Make one last effort to help him see the consequences of his distant behaviour: He accepts his wife’s dislike of you, makes little contact, does even less to see you.

Tell him that having a disinterested, uncaring father is worse than having no father. So unless he makes the next effort, you’re done.

As for his will, forget it. He’s weak and won’t change it. If there’s some important memento you want, ask for it now before all contact ends. You’ll be lucky if he complies.

Meanwhile, I recommend your talking to a counsellor yourself about what is essentially a loss. Despite the unfulfilling relationship, the natural expectations and hopes of a child are that somehow the absent parent still cares and one day the connection will be a happy one.

As an adult, it’s painful to finally acknowledge that it’s never going to happen. You were lucky that your mother raised you well into a caring daughter, despite your father’s example. Counselling can help you with this decision.

Tip of the day “Spicing up” sex with your partner should be a mutual decision about which you’re both comfortable.

Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.