How to deal with volatile relatives
My son and his then-girlfriend broke up shortly after having a baby, five years ago.
He pays child support but the mother only allows HER family in my grandchild’s life.
She sends me nasty, hurtful emails, including that I’ll never see my grandson even on my deathbed!!
She’s manipulative and controlling. She convinced my son that, because the baby lived with her, to give up his rights. He won’t stand up to her. I’ve not seen my grandchild since a first-birthday cele- bration in a roomful of her relatives. My husband passed away and never got a visit. How can someone be so cold-hearted, evil and cruel? We’d welcomed her into our home, bought gifts which she emailed me that she’s thrown away. There’s no rhyme or reason with this immature mid-20s woman.
I love my son but will never forgive the hurt this has caused. Sad Grandmother
I know it’s not easy to do, but you need to move on from this painful loss.
You’ve had no relationship with the child, so unless your son grows a spine, you’re unlikely to have one ever.
They were both young and immature when she got pregnant.
He caved to giving up all paternal rights, though he’s responsible enough (and legally obliged) to pay support.
He can still return to court to seek visiting rights.
But if his ex remains that dominating and court costs are a factor, it seems unlikely.
Meanwhile, you still have a life to live.
Wallowing in despair is unhealthy and achieves nothing.
Neither does dwelling on antipathy to the mother of your grandchild.
Talking about her to friends, or on social media (if you’re tempted) would just entrench her nastiness toward you. I don’t condone harassment or abuse to, or by, either sex.
At age 8 or 9, I attended an all-boys private pre-prep school in England, run by an autocratic ex-army colonel. On Saturday mornings, I attended extra craft sessions where I was molested several times by the headmaster.
After several weeks, I refused to go. My parents asked why. I then told them. There was no outrage directed at me, just calm action toward him.
I received the balance of my education there at no cost, to presumably prevent a scandal. Even so young, I knew right from wrong, thanks to my upbringing. I told the truth right then, not many years later. So I question why men and women don’t take action promptly and directly against their abusers after such an event.
Are careers, jobs, movie roles, etc. more important than self-worth and dignity?
If I had the courage so young to tell the truth, why can’t they?
I do understand that circumstances differ and I sympathize with those who’ve suffered. I went on to a healthy and guilt-free life. Why Delay Reporting Abuse?
Many childhood abuse victims did NOT have parents who believed them, nor were supportive of them, nor felt secure enough in society to protest.
Your abuse was horrific but you were lucky in your parents.
For adults in the workplace, abuse often threatens basic survival, not just ambition or fame.
People in factory jobs with families to feed, young adults in career courses to secure their future, and struggling and aspiring actors, too, have been led to believe they have to just take it.
Because of the culture of acceptance, by people who didn’t believe abuse reports.
That’s why there’s a current, much-needed movement for change.
Tip of the day
Some painful losses are best put aside while you nurture your health and positive living. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.