The slap of spring

No, we’re not going to give you T.S. Eliot. That would let April off far too easy. This April is cruel beyond the imaginings of poets. We’re turning to a Canadian.

Only a Canadian would understand the betrayal that comes when sleet-storms and freezing rain and wintry gales — toppling trees, bringing down hydro wires, flooding basements — arrive in mid-April to flatten the first shoots of spring and crush the human spirit.

Lucy Maud Montgomery knew. Oh, she knew all too soulsappingly well.

“Snow in April is abominable,” Montgomery’s famous character Anne said. “Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.”

Canadians don’t ask much of winter. Only that it be gone by now. That galoshes and parkas can be closeted, snow tires removed, shovels and ice picks stored out of sight and out of mind. For a blessed few months anyway.

But look at Sunday. The historical average in Toronto is 11 C. Not balmy. But perfectly fine for visiting the garden centre, un-toqued, un-booted, perhaps in a hoodie or windbreaker. And what did nature serve up? Two degrees Celsius. And a witch’s brew of elements, so heavy and ice-crusted on the sidewalks afterwards that even the most conscientious of citizens despaired of shovelling.

Which, of course, made Monday morning’s return to work — after, thanks Mr. Eliot, that wasteland of a weekend — a nightmarish slog.

There were uneven ice floes on the sidewalks capable of thwarting a Sherpa, melting slop so deep at the intersections they required a Jacques Cousteau submersible to navigate. Yes, of course, we were warned. “This spring looks to have a particularly volatile mood,” a meteorologist with the Weather Network said in March.

But that put things so abstractedly we expected a few fluffy, photogenic snowflakes. Not Satan’s own temper tantrum.

Canadians know this kind of thing is possible. But so is winning the lottery. And no one makes plans as if that’s going to happen.

Pity the poor tourist who made bookings after failing to read the following travel-agency blog to the end.

“Spring in Canada is a lovely time of the year. The temperatures begin to warm up, flora blooms, animals come out of hibernation and give birth to their young.

“It is a great time to visit Canada, but when exactly is it ‘spring’?” Precisely. Next year, as per Lucy Maud, we won’t be nearly so hasty to lean in for April’s kiss.

We expected a few fluffy, photogenic snowflakes. Not Satan’s own temper tantrum