Hey, Drake, try less talking, more sitting
Drake loves this city and he loves the Raptors.
Of this, I have no doubt. No celebrity has done more to put Toronto on the map. Drake has real cultural power and, more often than not, he uses it for good.
But on Tuesday night, as the Raps botched Game 1 against the Cleveland Cavaliers in the Eastern Conference semifinals, Drake used his power to make himself look ridiculous. The only way he could have looked like a bigger fool was if he had showed up for the game in a potato sack and propeller beanie.
While he’s always a human emoji when prowling the sidelines — Happy Drake, Sad Drake, Tense Drake, LOL Drake, Giddy Drake, Fierce Drake, Fist Pump Drake, Constipated Drake — the Raps’ “global ambassador” was neither stately nor diplomatic when he started a war of words with the Cavs’ Kendrick Perkins that ended up getting more coverage than the game itself. “What happened was I was talking to my old teammate, Serge (Ibaka), walking into halftime telling him ‘We about to win this game,’ and Drake butted in talking s--t to me,” Perkins told ESPN. “So I said something back to him.”
The two swapped bleeps during halftime and at the end of the game. According to The Canadian Press, “a heated Drake was later heard complaining as he left the arena that no one gets to speak to him like that.” This is me shaking my head. So let’s timeline this regrettable sequence of events: 1. Perkins is playfully taunting Ibaka, his former teammate on the Oklahoma City Thunder. 2. Drake does not mind his own business. 3. Drake trash-talks Perkins, 4. The Cavs win in overtime.
While my knowledge of basketball is roughly equal to my grasp of nuclear propulsion, it seems clear Drake is not exactly helping the home side. Not even close. I get that he’s a passionate guy and the playoffs bring out next level emotion.
But Drake is not a player. He is not a coach. He is a glorified cheerleader.
And the first rule of cheerleading is not to give the other side any added motivation, which is exactly what Drake did on Tuesday night. I'm starting to think he might actually be a double agent.
What’s his cunning plan for Game 2 on Thursday night? Is he going to help the Raps by tripping DeMar DeRozan as he races past in the fourth quarter? Is he going to help the Raps by giving Kyle Lowry a pre-game burrito that’s laced with botulism?
Why does this guy even have a courtside seat? He never uses it for sitting. Instead, in his OVO uniform, he skulks around like a rabid junkyard dog, growling at phantom menaces and barking at the unseen moon.
Drake makes that unhinged parent at little league seem perfectly reasonable.
From calling the Wizards’ Kelly Oubre Jr. a “bum” last round to Tuesday’s ridiculous and utterly needless spat with Perkins, Drake is a celebrity sideshow nobody is paying to watch. He is sucking up way too much oxygen inside the Air Canada Centre. He is overshadowing a rock-solid Raptors team this spring by stealing headlines and camera time and the spotlight.
And what happens if someone like Perkins, all six-footten and 270 pounds of him, finally accepts Drake’s unwise invitation for fisticuffs? I’ll tell you what happens: Drake will become a new kind of distraction as he’s rushed to the nearest hospital.
This spring, in the second round, the Raps don’t need any of this noise. Drake’s value as a global ambassador, as someone who can get on the blower with any player in the league or rally Jurassic Park, is diminished by his instincts for conflict.
This isn’t a rap feud, sir. It’s a team sport. It’s not about you. So maybe someone on the team can sit him down and encourage him to take a chill pill before LeBron James finally hears enough chirping and decides to score 100 points on his own while carrying Drake around the court in his back pocket. Maybe a trusted adviser can explain to Drake why he does not have carte blanche to take verbal swipes at athletes and expect those athletes to absorb the abuse in silence.
You don’t have superpowers, Drake. But you need to become invisible.
According to ESPN, in the heat of Tuesday’s shouting match, Perkins gave Drake some advice he really should follow: “Sit your ass down and watch the game.”