Divide over more children can split marriage

My husband doesn’t want any more children. This is heartbreaking for me. I still want at least one more child.

I recently discovered excitedly that I was pregnant, but learned that my husband was going to suggest an abortion.

I miscarried anyway, early on. He eventually said he would’ve stayed regardless if I were going to keep the pregnancy. Now he’s paranoid about getting me pregnant again and there’s no changing his mind. He doesn’t want to have sex while I’m ovulating.

Meanwhile, I’m starting to dislike our sex life, which he’s noticed. The passion and romance seem to be disappearing.

I’m shocked that I’ve start- ed fantasizing about cheating. I keep imagining being with a celebrity or a married stranger who also wants children. I still love my husband. He’s my best friend and father to our son.

Should we get marriagecounselling, sex therapy, individual counselling, etc.?

Doomed Marriage?

It’s important to learn what’s behind your husband’s decision.

Does he have financial or health worries he hasn’t disclosed?

Does he feel he can’t divide his emotions and attention between two children?

Does he fear he’ll “lose” your attention if you’re preoccupied with two children?

Your cheating fantasy is a diversion, related to your feeling deprived of your maternal wish and possibly reflecting grief over the miscarriage.

Marriage counselling is the first step to take. You’ll understand each other’s perspectives on this much better if you air it out.

But if he won’t go, or refuses to open up, get individual therapy about what’s behind your own escapist thoughts.

Is he a controller in other areas of your relationship?

While it’d be best if you can stay together to raise your son, such a strong divide between you can lead to a separation. I’m a man, early 60s. We emigrated here 26 years ago, I started working and soon was earning six-figures. My wife worked part time, and now our adult kids have PhDs and Masters degrees, and high salaries.

Last year, I had life-saving transplant surgery but now live on disability benefits. I became a liability in my family’s eyes.

Last year, when joking with my son, he got offended and hit me.

It hurt physically and psychologically. My wife separated her salary from me because I’m spending “her money.”

Recently, I heard a latenight heated argument between them. When I went to see what happened, both started yelling at me to “get out.” They’ve isolated me. I’m thinking to leave these jerks and start a new life. I’m not afraid.

I’m a positive person thinking that this life with all its problems has to be lived in full and with fun. Am I exaggerating? Or are we just old and fighting each other?

De-valued

Their disrespectful behaviour sounds both mean-spirited and worrisome to me.

But just walking out on your own, without a support system, sounds too risky to your health and well-being at this time.

See your doctor to discuss what’s needed for you to manage on your own.

Call your bank and learn the extent of your financial situation.

Call or visit a legal clinic to discuss the “isolation” moves and mention your son’s hitting you.

Also check whether there’ve been moves to put your house or other assets in your wife’s or son’s name without your knowledge and/or agreement.

Your independent spirit is wonderful, but only serves you well if you can stay physically able to maintain yourself, with enough money to live on.

Tip of the day

Having a child should be a mutual decision or it can divide your relationship.