The date was great, but he’s moving on
Ricky thought the date was going well until Pam failed to reach for the bill.
Ricky is 41, self-employed, and lives in the east end. He describes his style as “authentic” and says that he would be described by his friends and family as “outgoing, funny and quick.” Ricky likes to play bass, travel and take photos, and says “I haven’t been in a committed relationship for three years, but I’m active in the dating scene.” he says “At this stage of my life, I am attracted to authenticity and turned off by hypocrisy. I am looking for compatibility in terms of lifestyle and goals.”
Pam and I connected online. Her profile was clever and we had a lot of shared interests. She was smart and funny. Things went well on the phone, so we set up a casual snack.
I had high expectations, as we seemed to be on the same wavelength emotionally and politically. When we met, I thought Pam was good-looking and well puttogether. She was wearing jeans and casual leather, as was I, and we have similar frames.
I thought we were “visually compatible.”
The food was great and so was the conversation. There were no awkward silences, and we flowed from topic to topic, some trivial and some of more depth. We talked about our summer plans, her trip to Europe and my upcoming vacation. She got my jokes and made her own, which to me is a big part of compatibility. I usually don’t judge dates until a few days have passed, but things with Pam seemed positive on all levels.
When the bill came, I took care of it instinctively, but not before I hesitated for a couple of seconds to see if she made any motions for her purse. That being said, I make no judgements on her actions and I would never ask her directly to contribute — that’s not in my DNA.
I always give women an opportunity to contribute to the cost of the date.
Most times I will graciously decline, but I appreciate it just the same. I’m a strong proponent of equal rights and the elimination of gender bias.
We had talked about gender equality and the pay gap over our food, so I was somewhat surprised when she didn’t offer to help with the bill. Pam’s a professional with a good job, drives a nice car, owns a home and has no kids, so I assume that chipping in would not have impacted her lifestyle.
I date often. My experience is that 90 per cent of the women I meet either assume I will pay on the first date, or else don’t object when I offer to pay. Fifty per cent will offer to contribute on the second date, or pay for it in full, after I paid for the first one. Sometimes women seem to think, “I’ll pay next time,” which assumes there will be a next time. Maybe 2 or 3 per cent of the women I’ve been out with have paid for the first date.
After dinner, we went to a second spot for dessert. Same great time, great conversation. Once again, when the experience was over, I paid, and there was not one indication that she wanted to contribute. It seemed to me that she was only interested in equal rights until the bill came.
We went to a third location for a drink, and when Pam failed to offer to pay, I checked out. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to feel that someone is only with me because of what I can buy her, or maybe it’s because I felt that if she wasn’t offering to pay so early on in the relationship, then she never would. I get that there’s still a wage gap and I don’t expect to have a woman pay for half of everything, depending on her financial situation, but when you’re able to, and a champion of equality, then at some point I would expect you to offer.
Some things are dealbreakers, like smoking and drug use. To me, assuming that you’re not equal based on your sex is a dealbreaker. The type of woman I’m compatible with would contribute financially to the shared experience. The disconnect between Pam’s views on equality, and how she manifested that in real life, suggested to me that she’s not authentic in how she sees herself.
The date ended with a hug and kiss. I would definitely have wanted to see Pam again if she had offered to pay, even once. She followed up after the date, but I let the momentum pass. The date was great, but I have moved on. Ricky rates the date (out of10): 9