STARGAZING

LIFE & STYLE

Cover: Can’t decide what’s the best part about this story: Kim and Kanye fighting about who’s more selfish or Kim’s relief that she has a prenup to protect her $175M fortune. I ain’t saying Ye’s a gold digger ... but that is just a sound financial move. The eyes have it: Zayn Malik and Gigi Hadid are back on. I assume cuz he got her eyes tattooed on his chest and it would hurt to get that removed. When Queens cry: The Queen teared up while holding Prince Louis according to an insider who notes that “the Queen doesn’t usually get emotional.” Who’s this royal insider, I wonder? Probably Charlotte. She seems gossipy.

STAR

Cover: With a headline like What REALLY happened to Carrie Underwood’s face? I was expecting gory details. Instead, it’s a single column of text rehashing her “claim” that she fell while walking dogs and had to get 40 stitches in her face and a photo of her totally normallooking face. So disappointing. Tattoo you: To my utter joy, a series of photos of celebrities with bad tattoos prominently features Ben Affleck’s horrible phoenix back tattoo that he claimed was fake. But it’s not. It’s real. It’s delightfully real and it’s fabulous.

IN TOUCH

Cover: Matt’s a monster! But what kind!? The kind with tentacles or the kind with slime? Maybe both. You’ll have to read a long story about former Today co-anchor Ann Curry dishing to the Washington Post to find out. Royal hijinks: Just days to the royal wedding, so let’s manufacture some drama! First, we rehash the night of naked billiards where Harry evidently made it with a stripper. And, Meghan’s estranged half brother writes Harry a letter saying their nuptials will be “the biggest mistake in royal wedding history.” Look, Tom, this royal family built its foundations on marital mistakes, OK? That won’t scare Harry.