WORDS OF WISDOM
The Confidence Code for Girls provides great advice for tweens and the women who raise them.
I spend a lot of time talking, thinking and worrying about my two sons, Mustafa, 13, and Ibrahim, 10. I wasn’t blessed with daughters, but I do have a passel of nieces and young female cousins in my life, and I’m always interested in how the other half of the X chromosome live … particularly after I’ve been forced to listen to the tenth fart joke of the night.
To gain some more insight, I read The Confidence Code for Girls by Katty Kay, a news anchor at BBC World News America, and Claire Shipman, a journalist and public speaker.
The book is a followup to their 2014 bestseller, The Confidence Code, and attempts to provide a guidebook for developing young girls into confident, strong women.
Though written for a tween audience, I found myself nodding along as I read. According to Kay and Shipman, the key to building confidence boils down to three steps: Risk More. Think Less. Be Yourself. Confidence means taking risks There is a “science behind confidence.” We are all born with some confidence and “most importantly, can make more.”
As an introvert who is more comfortable observing rather than being the centre of attention, I can relate to this. The book champions making a “risk list” of things that seem hard, from simple actions like participating more in class, to starting a club at school.
I plan to teach Ibrahim and Mustafa some of the tips mentioned. Some I already know from my years in the teacher trenches, such as visualization. The crucial role of failure A big part of building confidence is experiencing failure, which has a surprising upside: the recovery from and learning after failing is truly valuable. “The lessons of failure get stamped on our brains, something scientists call imprinting, more deeply than other kinds of experiences.”
Nothing has taught me faster and more effectively than failure. It’s easy to boast about success, but the book explains the role of failure in an accessible way for girls finding their path. Rewire your brain if your brain is spinning Brain plasticity plays a role in building confidence in girls. If you tend to get stuck in a rut, or obsess about mistakes instead of moving forward, Kay and Shipman offer suggestions to “rewire” your brain to gain greater confidence:
Tell yourself the “maybe” story to flip the script — “maybe no one noticed that stumble,” or “maybe it really wasn’t that bad.”
List past accomplishments and things you’re looking forward to.
Change the channel on your negative thoughts by thinking of something else.
Find a “lucky charm” and keep it with you. Focus on it when your thoughts are churning. The pitfalls of perfectionism The dangers of perfectionism are well documented. The book cited this example: women often don’t apply for promotions because they want to be perfectly prepared with all the skills, whereas men tend to apply for promotions when they are less prepared, and so often get the job because they went for it.
Perfectionism is at its most dangerous when applied to looks. “Obsessing about what you look like or paying too much attention is a waste of time. It does not add to the world or your accomplishments or challenges. It stops you from jumping into stuff you want to do and it takes attention away from everything that’s going on in your life.” Use your voice and don’t apologize! “Your voice is powerful. Notice how you say things. Are you putting yourself down or making fun of yourself to seem modest?”
This section was fascinating; I know I’m a perpetual apologizer, and self deprecation comes naturally. I never thought about the reasons for this until I read a self help guide for 12-year-old girls. Afinal sum up While my usual non-fiction reads are how-to-raise-boys books, personal finance and pop-sociology by Malcolm Gladwell, The Confidence Code for Girls was a fascinating insider’s peek into the minds of developing young women.
Life is so complicated and busy as an adult; it’s easy to forget how daunting and challenging it can all seem, especially to the young eyes watching us. This one line from the book really stuck with me:
“Part of your ability to feel confident doesn’t come from inside of you. It comes from the way the world works and how that affects you. Sometimes you can change the culture. But the most important thing to do is NOTICE it … When you turn your gaze at the world, being able to notice will help you understand that the feelings you’re having aren’t random, that you’re not alone in having them, and that you might even be able to take positive action.”
Rock on, ladies.