How it took this long to notice Melania’s disappearing act
For a man who traffics in conspiracies, you’d think Donald Trump might be intrigued by a mystery that now hits home: Where is his wife?
It’s been three weeks since Melania Trump was spotted in public. During this time, there have been sightings of UFOs, sea monsters and a wolf-like creature in Montana.
But no Melania. Melania has vanished.
Behold some headlines from the last 24 hours. CNN: “Melania Trump has not appeared in public for 19 days.” The Hollywood Gossip: “Melania Trump: Is she preparing to divorce Donald Trump?” Newsweek: “Conspiracy theories abound following first lady’s routine surgery.”
On Wednesday morning, the most read story on Politico — “White House silence on Melania stokes conspiracy theories” — listed a few such theories now burning holes into tinfoil hats around the globe.
Melania is ditching the White House and returning to New York City! Melania is secretly working with special counsel Robert Mueller! Melania has entered the Obama Protection Program and is living with the former president and his wife Michelle, who are helping her write a tell-all that may or may not be titled, “I Kicked Donald Out Of My Bed And So Can You, America.”
As Politico observed: “During the two weeks since Melania Trump returned to the White House following what was described as a relatively minor surgery — a period during which she has been absent from ceremonial events such as a Memorial Day wreathlaying at Arlington National Cemetery — conspiracy theories have flooded in to fill the void of information about the first lady’s health and whereabouts.”
It caused enough of a stir for the first lady — or someone pretending to be her — to attempt to ease our minds with a tweet from her official @FLOTUS account Wednesday afternoon: “I see the media is working overtime speculating where I am & what I’m doing. Rest assured, I’m here at the @WhiteHouse w my family, feeling great, & working hard on behalf of children & the American people!”
But with no visible evidence of her whereabouts, this thin assurance will do little to quell the conspiracies.
The sequence of events is critical.
May 10. Joint Base Andrews in Maryland. Melania is photographed with President Trump in the wee hours as three American detainees return home upon their release from North Korea. In one image, Trump is pointing to his right with that patented “You’re Fired!” gesture from The Apprentice. Melania is glancing to her left with a quizzical grin, like she found a stack of cash in the glove box of a rental car.
This is her last known public appearance.
May 14. Walter Reed National Military Medical Center. An official statement is released saying Melania was successfully treated for “a benign kidney condition.” But this embolization procedure, described as “routine,” keeps her hospitalized for five days, or about four days longer than is “routine.”
This is the last public statement about her whereabouts. May 25. White House. Days after he misspells her name in a tweet, reporters ask President Trump about Melania’s health. This is where things get supernatural.
“She’s doing great,” Trump replies, nodding his head and pointing toward a window. “She’s looking at us, right there.”
When pool reporters turn toward the window, there is no silhouette.
There is no Melania (or “Melanie”) to be found anywhere.
Cue a new wave of conspiracy theories.
Melania died and is a ghost! Melania was tricked out with a cloak of invisibility during her medical procedure! Melania has tucked her lustrous hair into a ball cap, packed her belongings into a Hermès pillowcase, tied it to a stick and is wearing mirrored sunglasses and a fake mustache as she hitchhikes her way back to Slovenia!
But the real mystery is not that she vanished — it’s that it took this long. You know why Melania couldn’t stop smiling when she sweetly welcomed those three detainees on May 10? She was fantasizing about their miserable existence as captives in North Korea. No communication with the outside world? A forced labour camp? No creep trying to grab her hand during photo-ops? No overheard whispers about Stormy Daniels?
Why, that sounds like Club Med compared to her life now.
You don’t think Melania now spends most of her free time writing desperate letters to presidents, ambassadors, former teachers, old boyfriends — anyone who might help her hatch an escape plan? You don’t think she is now an expert on Waldo and Houdini? You don’t think she’s checked with East Wing confidantes to ensure there is no such thing as an Amber Alert for missing first ladies? You don’t think she hasn’t confirmed her face will not end up on a milk carton or a reboot of Unsolved Mysteries when she bravely turns this trial vanishing act into a permanent routine?
If aliens abducted Melania at Joint Base Andrews — another conspiracy — I believe most compassionate earthlings would say, “She’s finally free! Good for her!” If footage emerged of Bigfoot grabbing Melania and dashing off into the woods, we’d all be like, “She’s better off this way. Run, Melania, run!”
As horrible as Donald Trump is as a world leader, he is even worse as a husband. Just ask Marla or Ivana.
And though she’s far more decent and elusive than the flamboyant charlatan she married — it’s as if Greta Garbo got hitched to Charles Ponzi — Melania’s mysterious disappearance is not mysterious at all.
Living in the White House was never her dream.
But it is now her nightmare.