I’m afraid my mother-in-law will start trouble

My husband of three years is amazing! He used to always agree with everything his mother said, until I told him it’s OK to voice your own opinions and thoughts. She then thought I was “brainwashing” him.

After marrying, when I moved in with his family, my problems with her started. He was so hurt by this that we eventually moved out.

I no longer talk to his family and haven’t seen them for two years. She used to abuse me mentally and verbally. I was in a horrible state the first year living with them, and stayed in our room.

She’s manipulative, always makes herself the victim, and acts like it’s everyone else’s fault. Abig blowout happened that resulted in my not talking to his parents.

She called my parents (like I’m 2 years old) and told them what happened.

My family’s travelling here this summer for a wedding, to which my husband’s side is also invited. I don’t want any interaction between our families. We’ve decided to move next spring, but he’s not told his mom yet because he’s scared and knows she’s going to blow this up.

I’m scared that she’s going to start trouble with my family and say stuff about me. Should my husband wait to tell his mom that we’re planning to move, before or after this wedding happens? Someone has to be the grown-up.

Your decision to move away is the most mature response to this difficult relationship.

You’ll need to stand firm as a couple, and state, without going into past history, that you’ll be moving soon, where and when.

But a too-early announcement can fall flat. Where and how you’ll live will be the first questions asked. If you can’t answer, have no job plans, or sufficient savings, both sets of parents will react negatively.

Hold back until your plan is closer to a reality. Meanwhile, handle this upcoming wedding with determination to not let the old pattern repeat.

Start talking to your in-laws with simple greetings and politeness. You’ll look the better person for doing so.

Tell your mother only as little of the back story so she knows your side, then drop it. If a “blowout” seems imminent, walk away. When you take the high road, others will have to react differently. My mom wasn’t so supportive when I was diagnosed with depression/anxiety.

She and my older sister never came to my therapy, nor went on their own.

I was assaulted by a doctor but it was never discussed.

Frequently over the years, she exchanged my gifts or returned them. Yet she accepts expensive gifts from my rich sister and from her grandsons. I feel like I’m not good enough. My mom says she loves me, but her actions are otherwise — indifferent, dismissive, and disrespectful of my safety, hurts, pains and issues.

She’s in her 80s now and its harder to know what to do. She was apparently unable to understand or have compassion for your mental health diagnosis. This reaction is common among uninformed people who fear a stigma related to depression.

Fortunately, you were better informed and wisely sought counselling.

You’re hoping for understanding now, thinking it’ll soon be too late.

But in her 80s, she’s unlikely to change much.

If you seek her love, forgive her. Be kind and caring, those are the only “gifts” that matter now. Tip of the day When two generations live together in constant conflict, someone among them has to be the adult and make a change in the situation.

In-Law Turmoil Disconnection Hurts