Is Johnny Depp deathly ill or are we sick for wondering?
At the best of times, Johnny Depp was never a role model for healthy living.
If his internal organs kept a diary, there’d be years at a stretch in which the daily entries would read: “He just doused us in Jack Daniels before today’s Absinthe Ritual. Now he’s chasing tequila shots before attacking us with three bottles of Château CalonSégur. Jesus, he’s reaching for the Hunter S. Thompson bong! Send help!” For years, it was like Depp had six fingers; there was always a cigarette in hand. While most humans need water and oxygen to survive, Depp endured a number of “dark periods” in which his lithe body was powered by drugs and booze.
As he told Rolling Stone in 2008: “I’m a dumbass, and I poisoned myself for years.”
If you needed a blood transfusion in the ’90s, and Depp was kind enough to be the donor, you’d probably also need a designated driver to get home from the hospital. The man lives hard. The man has always treated his body like a rental with zero-liability insurance.
His fans already know this. His fans realize they will never stumble upon a selfie in which a glowing Depp is nibbling on alfalfa sprouts while tucked in bed at a sensible hour after five gruelling hours of hot yoga and his monthly detox cleanse.
Still, his fans are now alarmed by what they are seeing.
They are worried their 54year-old hero may not be of this world for long.
Touring overseas this month with his band, the Hollywood Vampires, Depp’s Draculaesque visage has generated many grim headlines in recent days on both sides of the Atlantic: “Fans are freaking out over viral pic of shockingly thin Johnny Depp,” “Is Johnny Depp deathly ill? Fans concerned after gaunt picture of star posted on social media,” “Fans are worried Johnny Depp is ill after new photos of the actor show him looking unrecognizable.”
I don’t know about that. He still looks like Johnny Depp to me. But in two of the photos that are causing 100 per cent of the panic, he does look more “gaunt” and “pale” than memory allows. In these images, reportedly shot in St. Petersburg, Russia, Depp is posing with fans before a show and wearing a black FUGLY ball cap and T-shirt that reads, “STAY HUMBLE OR BE HUMBLED.”
Reaction is now worldwide speculation: Is Depp in an advanced state of decay? Is he riddled with new chemical demons? Does he have an undisclosed disease? Is Johnny Depp wasting away right before our eyes?
But if we pull back the lens, there are other explanations for why he “looks really sick.” And these have nothing to do with illness. These amateur images are stark. There is no professional lighting. And Depp, who often slathers his face with so much “guyliner” it’s a miracle Maybelline never offered him an endorsement deal, is sans makeup. This dramatically changes his eyes and cheekbones on camera.
He’s also shaved the sides of his head with a fade. But the squashed Mohawk is not visible in a hat, creating the illusion he’s suddenly bald. As for the “thin” and “small,” Captain Jack Sparrow was never The Rock. I’m not saying Depp is short. I’m just saying when I stood near him at a party a few years back, I could’ve used the top of his head to rest my martini. Also, if he really were on his deathbed, would his doctors let him tour Europe with a guitar band inspired by the rock stars who succumbed to substance abuse in the ’70s? That’s like finding out you’re illiterate and then spending the next two months learning to read by candlelight under the expert tutelage of Cardi B. Your subsequent thank-you note would read: “Tankz for helpin m’e reed, Kardee.” If you’re worried about your health, a physically demanding, temptation-fuelled concert extravaganza across the heart of Western decadence is probably not the wisest decision — even if you’re riding shotgun with now sober bandmates Alice Cooper and Joe Perry. It’s probably best to stay home and get treated, right? But what I do know is this: our preoccupation with judging celebrities strictly by their appearance is now way past the point of healthy. Thousands of people glanced at pictures of Depp this weekend and concluded he’s a goner. Thousands made snap judgments from snapshots. Thousands arrived at medical conclusions with no medical evidence. Imagine if you walked out your door each morning and the world wondered if you now had a baby bump, if you had Botox, if you had a facelift, if you gained 10 pounds, if you lost 50, if your hair was thinning, if you got fake teeth, if you joined a gym, if you had too many Mexican calories last night — if you were about to die.
It’s all the same and it’s also dispiriting.
This relentless speculation is sicker than the health of any one person.