Our sexless marriage is driving us apart

My sexless marriage is killing me. We had an amazing sex life in our early affair-charged life. My wife previously had far more partners than I did.

I brought children from a prior relationship. Now, many years and another child later, she’s shut down sex. I’m always angry with her. We only have sex every few months and only when I beg. She wants to lie together (which never leads to sex) which I spitefully refuse.

I’ve used massage therapists for release. But I’m still angry and sad for the loss of intimacy.

Avoiding her is my only solution, so we don’t sleep or spend much time together.

I don’t think this is only for me to figure out. Nor is matching her pathetic level of interest an acceptable option for me.

She thinks I should “just get over it as all married couples are like us.”

That’s untrue and not what I signed up for. More paid sex is an avenue to pursue, but it’s risky. How can I calm my anger and restore my balance? I don’t think we can live like this much longer. Sexless Marriage

I have to assume that you’re staying for the sake of the child you had with this wife.

Perhaps you also feel that your older children need the (false) stability of this union.

My point: Have you examined why you stay with her and done the “pro-andcon” lists with the help of counselling?

That’s a natural route to go whether you’ve determined to try to live with this situation, OR you can’t take it any longer.

From my perspective, your constant anger, frustration, resentment (all valid) of your wife’s arbitrary decision will inevitably affect your home environment negatively, as well as the children.

Also, any pattern of “outside” sexual contact — paid or otherwise — does pre- sent some sexual health risks, can distance you emotionally from your home, which can also affect the children.

Besides needing professional help to weigh these choices, you should insist that your wife be part of the solution. Can she handle your having sex with someone else?

You haven’t and won’t just “get over it,” which is not her right to command.

Whatever options you choose, sooner than later you’ll need to confront her with the reality that if she won’t be part of the solution, you’ll do what you please… just like her.

I’m finishing my undergraduate degree and looking to study abroad (hopefully in England) for my Master’s degree. My family lives out west, my dad has cancer. My parents don’t want me to study abroad because of my dad’s illness (although they’re seemingly fine with my currently living across the country). But it’s always been my dream to pursue my academic career at the best institutions.

Am I selfish for wanting to study overseas? Should I sacrifice some goals to stay close to them? Uncertain Move

Apply to universities of your choice, abroad and in your country, for backup.

Meanwhile, talk to your father’s cancer specialist for an estimate of the severity of his condition.

Once accepted at school(s), you can make your decision on how often you’ll be able to return home to spend time with your family.

You may consider taking preliminary post-graduate courses towards your ultimate goal, by staying at closer distance if his condition is critical.

If not, accept an overseas school, but be prepared for needing to make a sudden trip home – or postponing a semester.

You’ll still be building towards your ultimate career. Tip of the day Warning: When one partner cuts off sexual relations, the other starts reacting.