My son is about to make a huge mistake

Our son is heading to propose to his girlfriend of three years, both in their late 20s. My wife and I (plus some friends of ours and our son) feel that they’re a poorly matched couple, with some signs of early issues. We don’t want him to make a long-term mistake.

She has very strong anxieties and is afraid of doing anything. He goes to friends’ weddings by himself, just returned from an overseas trip she didn’t want to go on, though he offered to pay for her. He’s very intelligent, she’s not, and there have been some frustrations with basic communications and conversations. My son really wants kids some day, while she, mainly because of her anxieties, doesn’t want kids.

They’ve had counselling over this issue, and she now says, “maybe one day,” but we feel that’s just lip service to please him. Should we, concerned and caring parents, and still a tight-knit family, mention our concerns to our son? Should we sit him down and ask if this is really what he wants? Or, should we stay out of it? I had an interfering mom, and I don’t want to be like that. Maybe we should get his brother to bring it up? Concerned, Or Interfering There will be readers who stand firmly on each opposing side: speak up or shut up about an adult child’s choice of spouse.

Years of writing this column (and life experience) tells me it could go either way:

He realizes their issues (especially about children) are too divisive and breaks it off, or he tells her what you said, they’re both shaken by the interference and there’s the possibility of estrangement from you and your wife.

It’s not a simple decision for you, and an even tougher one for him if he considers your views.

Change the scene from “sitting him down” to casually asking some questions (not always as a team of both parents).

Has he seen any change in her anxieties, or has she sought help, over the past three years, so that he won’t always have to travel or attend functions on his own?

Is he now assured that she’ll willingly have children?

Don’t barrage him with scenarios or seek immediate answers. Don’t involve his brother. Leave him to think things through on his own.

If there’s another chance to talk casually, ask if he’s considered getting counselling on his own, in case his relationship to her is one of being her protector rather than of equals handling what’s involved in a longterm union.

If he objects, back off. Better to let him discover for himself whether they’re a mismatched couple than to be estranged. Reader feedback regarding the man separated from his bipolar wife (Aug. 6):

Reader: “As a professor of psychiatry, I find (his report of ) her promiscuity, inappropriate dress, mood instability, lack of insight and suspiciousness are classical signs of a hypomanic or manic episode.

“If she has a doctor, he should be notified.

“Sadly, you cannot force someone in this phase to go for treatment.

“But when this passes and she becomes normal or switches to a depression, things will change. For him to rush into a divorce is not the answer.” Tip of the day

Tread lightly and respectfully rather than interfering directly with an adult child’s serious romantic relationship.

Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.