Son’s girlfriend overheard me talking about them

The young lady my 20-yearold has been dating for three months away at university, visited us this summer.

I’d pre-arranged a party for that weekend, so had little time to get to know her.

Late into the party, a friend asked me what I thought of her. Sadly, the young lady overheard my response. It was along the lines of how they’re not getting married or anything like that. I said that my son has ambition and years of schooling left to attain his goals, so I didn’t think the relationship would be, or should be, too serious. I said I didn’t think it would last past Thanksgiving.

After she left, my son told me my comments made her cry. I feel horrible about that, but, in my defence, I’d thought I was having a private conversation. I’m taking my son back to school, and the young lady will be meeting us. My son wants me to apologize to her. I say let bygones be bygones, let us get to know each other better over lunch. My son still wants me to apologize, though she refuses to tell him exactly what I said that upset her. Bygones Apologize. There are no “bygones” here until you do.

Here’s why: Your prediction, “it won’t last past Thanks- giving” implies private knowledge from your son that he’s just leading her on. No wonder she cried. He’s likely reassured her otherwise, and needs you to back down from your unsubstantiated line.

A straightforward apology that you were caught unprepared for the question when you’d hardly gotten to know her should suffice. It’s needed, for your son to restore trust in you around people who matter to him.

I’m 20 and started seeing a guy, 25, two months before my school semester ended. I pushed him to do long distance over the summer when I’d be living back home. Although he resisted because he’d be busy with farming work, and wasn’t sure how often we’d be able to get together, he agreed. Over the summer we were only able to get together a few times. Over time, it wasn’t as comfortable being with him as before. We periodically had fights because he has trust issues with me being gone, although I’m faithful to him. He recently told me — weeks before I’m back for school — that he doesn’t want to be with me. Yet he’s still constantly texting me as if nothing’s changed. He says he likes me as a person and wants to remain in my life. He agreed to help move my stuff. I’m tired of trying to figure things out through text and arguing about it. Should I see if we can try to make things work again, or just cut ties and move on? Confused He already told you what he plans, which is to just be friends.

His texting and offer to help are consistent with what he thinks he should do as a friend. Given your age and the demands of school, you’d be wise to accept what he said. Cutting ties completely isn’t necessary, but if the new connection keeps you confused, just say you need time for a friendship break. Meanwhile, if you meet anyone else you want to date, you’re free to do so. Tip of the day

Parents: What you say socially and casually about your adult children’s choices can come back to bite you.