My husband’s hobby consumes all his time
My husband’s been working on a “hobby” daily for 18 years, restoring an airplane in our garage.
He’s been using all our money on it and ignoring me and the grandkids, and he only comes into the house for food. I don’t see him until sundown. I have to schedule a day to be with him, and he complains that it’s “setting him back a day.”
He doesn’t see his grandkids (even the 10-year-old is resentful). He grouches at his own kids when they visit and grouches at me over my feelings about this “hobby.”
We’re now retired and I’m spending my last good years alone. We don’t go places often as everything has to revolve around his schedule with the airplane.
Fed Up
Eighteen years later this has become his life’s work, not a hobby.
He hasn’t “retired.” There’s little chance of being able to change his focus, so arguing about it is fruitless. Change your own focus.
Recognize that you’re not “alone” but “on your own,” which means you can choose how to spend your time. See your grandkids, see friends, join a film club, a walking group, etc. You’re entitled to some of the money you have as a couple, through savings, if any, pensions, etc.
If he won’t give you access to it, call a lawyer and/or accountant for advice. This is your life, too. It’s been a year since my daughterin-law (age 41) spoke with me. She didn’t invite me last Christmas. I was deeply shocked and hurt.
I offered to drive the hour and a half to meet her at a neutral place to talk things over. My son said she wouldn’t. He’s upset by this situation.
They have a 4-year-old daughter. He brings her to visit me every month. My DIL has been working on her PhD thesis for eight years. Since the fourth year, she’s been predicting she’ll be finished “soon.” She rejects my son’s pleas to give up the thesis and get a job for which she’s already highly qualified.
My son’s father and I both have PhD degrees, as do several other members of my family. Since a year has passed, my son thinks she’s embarrassed to see me.
I fear she’ll refuse Christmas again. This hurts me deeply because I love my granddaughter and son and really missed being with them all last Christmas.
On the Outs
A year, and you haven’t just driven the 90 minutes to see her and try to make amends about whatever’s bothering her about you?
From the details you’ve described, your DIL is obviously “stuck” in her PhD pursuit. Perhaps with your family’s own pride in several having achieved this high accomplishment, she feels she’s failing at it. Or she may feel intimidated by it.
The more important issue to you, however, is your granddaughter — not her degrees.
If she were my DIL, I’d go see her and say how much she, her husband and their daughter mean to me. I’d say I’m proud of who she is and what she’s already achieved, and that her PhD goal is admirable but doesn’t define her as a person.
And I’d say that if this Christmas looms too busy for her, then I’ll host it at my place or bring the main food prepared, or cook at her place. I’d stress that being together matters most to show our support for all within the family. Worth a try … if you mean it. Tip of the day
If your partner’s “hobby” sidelines the marriage, you’re free to create your own lifestyle needs.