My grandchild has bad manners

Q: We have a beautiful granddaughter from our son and daughter-in-law. We all get along well. However, when we go out to dinner or have them over for supper, table manners don’t exist for our granddaughter, now 2 1/2. She attends home daycare and a daycare centre regularly, as her mother works. She cannot handle even a spoon yet, so eats with her fingers and refuses help.

After one bite, she leaves the table to play, returns, takes another bite or two, leaves again.

When a parent insists she sits to eat, she cries hard and is soothed by Mom, “Yes, she’s tired.” Apout, some play and she eventually comes back for another bite or some dessert.

This scenario, especially in a restaurant, is extremely stressful for me. My younger son refuses to join us at a restaurant or even a meal at home with her.

Question: If they dine at Granny’s house, can Granny make the rules of proper mealtime behaviour and manners?

Rules: You sit, you eat, you participate in conversation, you don’t fling food around. When you leave the table you’re not allowed back to eat.

If it’s permissible for me to enforce table manners in our house, how do I present this to my son and daughterin-law? I want the time we have with our family and our granddaughter to be fun for all. Toddler at the Table

A: Reality check: The child’s parents have already responded to their toddler’s mealtime behaviour differently.

Now, changing the rules at your house or in your company at a restaurant, doesn’t happen with a simple declaration.

You need to chat first, nonconfrontationally, and ask their opinion on mealtime manners for that age group in general and, then specifically, for their child.

They may have reasons for their casual approach: e.g. Mom is too tired from work to impose rules yet; or they both don’t believe in it till she’s less restless.

Or, perhaps lax rules at the home daycare that created this approach, or a sincere belief in treating the toddler stage permissively.

Trust me, if you just start announcing your rules without knowing their attitudes on child-rearing, there won’t be “fun for all” in this picture.

Read what the experts say about raising toddlers and, have a gentle (and respectful) discussion with your daughterin-law, about what you’ve learned:

Example: One writer on what many 2-year-olds can handle: Sitting quietly at the table, using a napkin, with prompting, to wipe their face, using a fork or spoon to eat their food, neatly or not.

And from a parenting coach writing in Today’s Parent:

“It’s all a game to little ones, so it’s up to parents to set the mealtime rules right from the start. This means telling (or showing) kids what you expect from them, and what the consequences will be if they don’t follow the rules.”

In other words, whatever rules there are going to be, have to start at the child’s home, not at Granny’s.

So, whatever talk you have with the parents, it has to be about them and their thoughts on what they want her to learn and when. Not just about what you can or cannot tolerate.

Be a caring resource for them, without being just critical and dogmatic.

That’s how the three generations can begin to enjoy visits in a relaxed atmosphere.

Meanwhile, maybe have less restaurant meals and more casual snacks at your home for a while. Ellie’s tip of the day Grandparents can be helpful to parents on early childrearing, but must show sensitivity and respect.