Why you need a fun money bucket in your marriage
Fun money can be used for things like clothes and gifts.
Pop quiz! What’s the number one reason people get divorced? If you said money, you’re right.
A Kansas State University study of over 4,500 couples says that money arguments are the number one predictor of divorce. Now, what do we do with that? Not talk about, argue about or fight about money ever again? We all know that’s not going to work.
If you read my column regularly, you know I always say that systems beat goals every time. We don’t rise to the level of our goals! We fall to the levels of our systems.
So, today I want to share a little money system my wife, Leslie, and I use which may work for you, too. But before I do, let me share one more study.
Dr. Terri Orbuch, a psychologist and research professor and the University of Michigan, has been involved in a long-term U.S. study of marriage called the “Early Years of Marriage Project.” Orbuch and her team have been following the same 373 married couples for over 25 years. Although 46 per cent of the couples have since divorced, the study has found that a secret of longlasting relationships is … wait for it … space and independence. Space and independence. Being able to do what you want when you want.
So, wait! Money is one of the biggest reasons for divorce. And independence is one of the biggest reasons for successful marriage. Can’t we put these two things together? We can. We will! Right now. Here’s how. I want to tell you about the Fun Money system. On Jan. 1 of every year, my wife, Leslie, and I take a set amount of money, the same for each of us, and move it from our joint account into our personal chequing accounts which we have private access to.
This is our Fun Money for the year. Now, what comes out of our Fun Money? It can be anything you want, but for us, the categories we’ve agreed to are clothes, gifts and frills.
Clothes? My new running shoes, her new dress, it’s out of that bucket. Gifts? I don’t want my wife paying for half of the flowers I buy for her for the weekend. Or for half of her birthday or Christmas present. Nor do I want to pay for half of the gifts she gives me! Or half the gifts we give to our own friends or siblings. And frills? Yeah, frills are fun random things you would feel guilty asking your partner to pay for half of. Fantasy football buyins. A bachelor party night. A spa day with the girls.
Why do we do this? Well, first of all, do you ever have any guilt about spending money on something you really, really, really want but don’t think your partner does? I mean, does your partner really want that $500 kitchen mixer you’ve been pining over for years or that gift you’re buying for your sister just because?
Now you can buy it from your Fun Money, but with no guilt.
And what about the weird- ness of buying presents for each other where you’re essentially billing the gift receiver for half the purchase? Gone! I can’t tell you how much I spend on fresh flowers for my wife every week, but it’s worth every penny, and I like the romantic notion that it’s my treat. Same with a birthday date night or a special gift. How much money do you split off? The amount is totally up to you. It could be $100, $1,000, $10,000. Whatever works! The amount is up to you and your personal situation.
What’s the net effect? For us, it’s all positive. We love each other deeply, we love the framework of marriage and we also love building in some freedoms to still be individuals at the same time. Now, if I’m already regretting the $200 I spent at that bachelor party, at least I don’t have to double worry about talking to my wife about it, too. I just eat the losses from my Fun Bucket and move on.
Now, wait: Doesn’t having a Fun Bucket make us more frivolous with our money? Isn’t it just easy for me to say, since I’m apparently throwing around cash with reckless abandon over here?
No, the opposite happens. As Peter Drucker said: “What gets measured gets managed.”
By having a set budget for non-essential purchases, we actually feel like we spend less because we’re carefully watching, tracking and managing that money individually. For people whose household income is above $90,000 a year (half of all Canadians), it’s also nice having a smaller budget to more closely manage beyond the larger amounts you may be transferring in and out every month with salaries, mortgages, car payments and investments.
So, is this the secret to a happy marriage? I’m not saying it is. I’m just saying one thing today. It helps. Neil Pasricha is the bestselling author of The Book of Awesome and The Happiness Equation. His new podcast 3 Books is a Top 100 Ranked iTunes Podcast where each chapter uncovers and discusses the three most formative books of inspiring individuals. Check it out at www.3books.co.