GREAT EXPECTATIONS
With a royal baby on the way, how will lesser celebrities ever match Harry and Meghan’s fairy-tale romance? Menon,
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle should be ashamed of themselves: they are putting way too much pressure on other celebrities to have perfect relationships.
In the wee hours on Monday, Kensington Palace issued the kind of announcement that was once accompanied by blaring trumpets: “Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are very pleased to announce that The Duchess of Sussex is expecting a baby in the Spring of 2019.”
I’m not sure why this notice — and a shout-out to the Toronto Star for the Breaking News alert that landed in my inbox at 4:41 a.m. as I was fumbling with the Keurig — made me so happy. But it did. Fatherhood is a universal club of shared misery. And it’s comforting to imagine Prince Harry, in a few months, reaching for the wipes and using his tactical skills as a military pilot to change diapers in the middle of the night while desperately humming “RockA-Bye Baby” and fantasizing about joining the space program, just to get a decent night’s sleep.
Welcome to the club, Harry. Not even zero gravity can save you now.
The lack of a specific due date was also a nice touch. Spring of 2019? Amazing. This baby is like a Hollywood blockbuster that’s in post-production, pending the marketing plan and long weekend release date. This baby is an exercise in global anticipation. This baby is an indefinite news cycle that is nothing but good news.
But as the world rejoiced, I also felt sorry for every other young celebrity who must now try to court, date and get hitched in this flawless royal shadow.
Harry and Meghan are ruining love for the rich and the famous.
They are making it completely unrealistic.
To glance back at their prebaby timeline is to be struck by an optimal synchronization worthy of a Rolex engineer. From their first date more than two years ago to the longdistance romance that followed, from their fairy tale wedding in May to Monday’s pregnancy proclamation, the Duke and Duchess have put on a clinic in how to come together and stay together in the public eye.
This union is unfolding with rom-com precision. Within six years, I predict they will have three beautiful children and a summer home on the moon, where they will renew their vows based on the equinox. Harry will commission statues of Meghan. Meghan will moonlight as a gospel singer, recording double albums of love songs dedicated to Harry, and their commitment that shall endure for all eternity.
All of this must be incredibly annoying to other stars.
Consider the crash-and-burn fate of Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande. On Sunday, just a few hours before the royal baby news clogged up the wires, TMZ reported the Hollywood couple was kaput. Their shotgun engagement was off. So in about four months, they went from madly in love to it’s over and don’t ask or we’ll get mad.
I don’t know what went wrong. But as a general rule, if a new relationship is powered by impulse tattoos, plans for instant matrimony and bursts of PDA that are borderline soft-porn, it’s probably doomed.
The best relationships in this world are fundamentally boring.
(Beware Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin.)
And so if the Duke and Duchess of Sussex care about the world as much as they claim, if they are motivated by true charity, they need to take it down a notch. They need to stop being so infuriatingly picture-perfect as a couple because they are foisting dangerous romantic ideals into the celebrity ether. They are now living out a fairy tale existence that, to everyone else, can feel like a horror movie.
Harry and Meghan, it’s time to showcase some dysfunction. Do it for the sake of your unborn child. Do it for humanity. During their first royal tour, which started on Monday in Australia, they should start bickering for no good reason at all.
Meghan, roll your eyes when Harry talks about the Invictus Games. Harry, shake your head when Meghan yammers on about yoga. You should both learn to sigh, loudly and proudly. You should help others by mocking one another. Imagine how much good they could do for other young celebrities if a hot mic outside the Sydney Opera House this week caught Harry calling his brother and saying, “Will, she made me go on a damn peanut butter run at 3 a.m. I’m this close to returning to Vegas for more strip poker. I don’t care. I’m suffocating.”
Imagine how thousands of young female stars would benefit if Meghan did an interview with a British tabloid this week and confided, “Yeah, it’s fine, I guess. But who knows what the future holds. I never planned to totally end my career. Plus, ever since I got pregnant, he just falls asleep while watching old war movies.”
Congratulations to the Duke and Duchess on the new baby!
But you are killing us with your romantic perfection.