Why you shouldn’t swallow the Bieber burrito scandal
Someone is trying to make Justin Bieber look bad.
I have no idea why someone would do such a thing.
But perhaps the ultimate goal is to demonstrate how the media is gullible or how a hoax can go viral. Thus infecting the world with headlines such as “Justin Bieber’s burrito-eating travesty has the internet looking sideways at him,” “Justin Bieber ate a burrito sideways, and we are not OK with it” and “WTF is Justin Bieber doing to this burrito?”
This is a tricky line I’m tiptoeing today, my friends.
The truth is, Mr. Bieber’s eating habits have always veered toward the bonkers. If any celebrity is capable of generating a gustatory scandal by way of public digestion, it is Justin Bieber.
There was the time he downed a smoothie of blended Chinese food that — spoiler alert — didn’t stay down for long.
There was the time he tucked into a tray of nacho chips, face first, as if he was bobbing for apples.
There was the time he devoured a hot dog without his hands.
There was the time he inhaled spaghetti like a warthog feasting on Kentucky bluegrass after a drought.
Have you ever watched him pound back waffles after a bender?
It is a freak show demolition derby in his mouth. It is utterly disgusting.
One time, while hanging out with then girlfriend Selena Gomez, Bieber put back a hoagie the way a space alien might swallow a gecko: quickly, violently and without mercy. To watch Bieber in close proximity to ice cream or popcorn or charred greens is to question the very existence of God.
If you presented Bieber with a bowl of clam chowder, there’s an outside chance he’d ingest the steaming liquid by pouring it into his ears, just for the hell of it. Invite Bieber into your home and you may well be forced to call 911 after he pours hot sauce on your pet or takes a knife and fork to the nearest throw pillow.
No celebrity loves to eat more than Justin Bieber. Nobody.
Four years ago, TMZ posted a bizarre story about the singer storming Pinches Tacos in Los Angeles and placing an order that consisted of 13 steak tacos, nine chicken tostadas, eight chicken tacos, three taco plates, one steak burrito, one chicken burrito and four orders of chips and salsa.
I suspect drugs were involved. But, clearly, the young man was hungry for Mexican.
He is always hungry for Mexican.
And that’s why this viral photo is so diabolical: it’s believable.
In the image, that now has a bigger audience than the World Series, a ravenous dude who looks suspiciously like Bieber is manspreading on a park bench and desecrating a burrito like a famished baboon with a mango.
This fellow isn’t so much enjoying takeout as inflicting blunt-force trauma on his face. He is eating the burrito sideways, like he’s playing the harmonica, violating the tortilla shell with hunched-over indifference.
The man in the photo does not seem to understand a burrito is essentially a vacuum tube of Tex-Mex goodness. If you don’t eat it top to bottom, you are thumbing your nose (and your taste buds) at science. The layering — beans, guacamole, rice, lettuce, meat, cheese, cilantro, onions, sour cream, tomatoes — only works if munched simultaneously. Otherwise, it’s like eating lasagna, layer by layer. It is like binging on a seven-layer dip horizontally, instead of vertically.
And that is why I believe this photo is a total fake.
Justin Bieber is an eating machine.
And an eating machine would never botch a burrito.
Oh, Bieber may well eat the burrito wrapper and lick the bench.
But he would never eat a burrito from the side, as if it were corn on the cob.
An eating machine knows better than to risk having burrito fillings fall out and down the holes of his ripped jeans. Instinctively, an eating machine knows better.
Let’s also consider the nonfood evidence in this scandalous image.
Does Bieber have hair on his knees? No.
Do the wispy strands of his head resemble a bleach-blond Paris Hilton or collector Barbie doll? No.
Odd bruises on the hands? No. Eyebrows manicured by tweezers? No.
Sleeves that conceal tattoos? No
Would he ever leave the house in a generic pink hoodie without branding? No.
Would he ever wander out in a toque darker than beige? No.
Has Bieber ever been photographed in public without an entourage when feasting like a madman? No.
And now that he’s married, would his new bride, Mrs. Hailey Bieber™, ever allow her husband to make a fool of himself by mutilating a burrito in public? No.
The identity of this unkempt ruffian in the burrito photo is a mystery.
But it is not Justin Bieber. Our guy is way past this now.