I don’t want to cheat again

Q: I’ve been going out with a girl I love dearly and plan to marry. Two months into the relationship, I hit on her friend via social media and continued that for a while.

I never did anything physical, but I did send text messages. Then, a couple of nights ago, I lied to my girlfriend and invited one of my female friends over.

I talked to her and asked her to do stuff, and she said no. I never physically cheated, but I did (cheat) through text messages.

The friends told my girlfriend and she was not happy. She’s giving me a chance to redeem myself, and I want to do everything in my power to prove to her that I’m deeply in love with her. I want to prove this has nothing to do with her (she’s literally perfect), and that this will NEVER happen again.

A: It’s not about “proving.” It’s about finding out what motivated you to take these risks, or you’ll do it again. And that’ll be three strikes and out of your relationship.

Trace your own actions back to what you were doing at the time. Was drinking or drug use involved? If so, that doesn’t give you a pass. Rather, it informs you that you act recklessly when using. So, if you don’t cut back or develop control, you’ll mess up again.

Consider what triggered the sudden desire to hit on these women … alone for a night and feeling needy? Or a habit of impulsive and irresponsible texting?

Whatever answers you arrive at, be scrupulously honest with yourself. If you don’t curb these impulses, your girlfriend will dump you. Reader’s commentary regarding the mother whose daughter wants to transition to live as a boy (Oct. 13):

“The letter-writer’s commended for her unconditional love and support for her child when he came out as trans. This isn’t easy, as she apparently comes from a family with conservative values.

“I completed the transition process as an adult many years ago. It was successful socially on the home and work front, and medically.

“Initially, I didn’t get support from my conservative family members. I spent a considerable amount of time going through counselling with my parents, talking things out (both the planning of the steps, as well as discussing the emotions, impact, etc.).

“They slowly realized that my decision to transition wasn’t going to change and came to understand my plans, what I’d considered and the next steps to be taken. (The unknowns are what people’s fear comes from, as I eventually understood.)

“By the time I started the irreversible medical process, they were all on board and I had (and still have) their support, which is very important for the person going through this, especially when the individual is young.

“I strongly suggest that the mother and child attend counselling together. Even if the counsellor doesn’t have much trans-specific knowledge, having one who’s open-minded and has dealt with LGBTQ issues would be helpful.

“To the transgender individual: take it slow. Proceed one step, adjust to the change for a while, then consider whether you’re comfortable at this current state. If not, proceed to the next step and repeat the same cycle.

“Also, plan ahead for coming out to parents/relatives/friends, coming out at school/work.

“Be patient with your parents. Keep communications open and in a calm way.”

Ellie — This reader’s suggested resources and books:

Human Rights Campaign — Explore: Transgender Children & Youth website. Go to www.hrc.org and click on explore, and search topics.

The “Parents of Transgender Kids - PTK” Facebook group offers community and support for families.

My Child is Transgender: 10 Tips for Parents of Adult Trans Children (10 Trans Tips) ebook. Available on Amazon.

Bad Moves

Ellie’s tip of the day

If you don’t identify and curb your impulses to text or make moves in a cheating manner, you’ll mess up your relationships that matter most.