What does wellness look like?
If self-care starts to take up all of your time, you’re likely procrastinating, not revitalizing.
I’m no stranger to feeling overwhelmed, run-down and weepy from exhaustion. Also feeling irritated when I can’t handle it all, which must mean I am a failure because everyone else seems to be doing just fine.
I’ve written about the impact of publishing my debut novel, Ayesha At Last (HarperCollins Canada), and the ways that success can sometimes be just as difficult to handle as failure. I get asked a lot how I balance all the hats I wear — teacher, writer, columnist, parent, etc. Most of the time, I do this by focusing on the “balance” part of living a balanced life, i.e.: the understanding that the search for balance means I’m handling multiple things while walking a tightrope.
To this end, it helps to engage in honest self reflection. After years of trial and error, I’m better at recognizing when I need to slow down. Usually when I catch a stress cold, and/or start snapping at my husband and kids, and/or daydream about running away to a small cottage in an idyllic, Gilmore Girls- style town whimsically named Love’s Comet-Dust.
That’s when I know I need to apply some of the self-care strategies that have got me through the past few years: Delegate. Life really is better when you share the load. Pay for a cleaning person to give your house a weekly once-over, or embrace chores for children. Conning Mustafa into vacuuming every weekend and Ibrahim into bathroom duty was one the best things my husband and I ever did. #EpicParenting. Find your squad. I have a “girlfriend pact” with a few close friends. The pact states that either party gets to vent about spouses, kids, family and jobs without being judged or given unrequested advice. The pact works really well — as evidenced when my husband wanted to buy my friend a thank-you gift for services rendered. “You seem a lot happier after you talk to her,” he said. “Plus, I don’t have to hear it.”
Find your (harmless) vice and indulge.
I really like to bake chocolate chip cookies. Actually, I really like to eat chocolate chip cookies. Since I’m too lazy to drive to the bakery when my craving hits (usually at 9 p.m. on a weeknight) I’ve become quite good at making this treat. Sometimes once a week. Don’t judge me. I only manage to eat three before Mustafa swoops in to claim the rest. (The teenage “eating everything in sight” thing stops eventually, yes?) When cookies aren’t cutting it, I indulge in long soaks in the tub while reading entertaining page turners. Do not feel guilty. Ibrahim routinely comes into my office to pout when I’m lesson planning, answering emails, or writing. And when I’m running out the door for a book club/promotional event/ festival/girl’s night, he lies in wait to singsong, “You’re always working! You’re never home! You never spend time with me!” This is patently untrue. But on the plus side, he’s getting quite adept at emotional blackmail, a talent which will come in handy should he choose to run for office in the future. Do something you hate that’s really good for you, so you can feel smug and superior.
My husband has to exercise to manage his back pain. He’s also started going for long walks, where he catches up on podcasts or listens to movie scores. As for me, I’ve embraced salad — the bagged kind because I’m opposed to chopping tomatoes. I also try not to refuse the fruit that friendly co-workers offer me in the staff room; I know they mean well. And finally… Don’t confuse self-care with procrastination.
They look awfully similar, except the former is used to recharge, while the latter only masks an inability to deal with challenges. General rule gleaned from personal experience: if your “self-care” takes up all your time, you’re procrastinating, not revitalizing.
We live in a world where everyone wants to live their “best life,” as posted on Instastories and Twitter. I’ve realized that while it is hard to accept my limits, it’s probably easier than recovering from burn-out.
Also that wellness is a choice, while seeking balance will always be a negotiation.
Find your own wellness practice — whether it’s drinking chai and reading the newspaper, going to the spa or (shudder) jogging.