OFFSET FAIL
Vinay Menon breaks down how rapper’s surprise visit to Cardi B’s concert went over like a lead balloon,
Grand romantic gestures are not always grand or romantic.
Some are just creepy. Case in point: on Saturday night at the Rolling Loud Festival in Los Angeles, Cardi B was onstage as the headlining act when her set was disrupted by a conspiracy involving Betty Crocker and 1-800-FLOWERS.
Or that’s what it looked like. In clips shared online by concertgoers, roadies wheel three cakes centre stage. Turned on their sides, and slathered with enough icing to drop a diabetic rhino, the cakes are scrawled with a crimson, all-caps message big enough to be read from Neptune: “TAKE ME BACK CARDI.”
“Make some noise!” the announcer bellows, as Cardi B twirls in bewildered silence, trying to grasp what is happening. It would be impossible for her to look more disoriented if on shrooms while navigating the Pineapple Garden Maze.
Enter Offset, the Migos rapper who, until earlier this month, was her husband. He is now a mope machine, spewing out regret. After cheating allegations torpedoed their 15-month marriage, Offset is on an Apology Tour. He wants another chance.
Garbed in a white-and-red suit that made him look like the world’s saddest candy cane, Offset shuffles toward his ex, cradling a bouquet and mic.
The crowd seems just as confused as Cardi B.
“I just wanna tell you I’m sorry, bro,” says Offset, so sorry he apparently forgot her gender. “I love you. Whatever I gotta do to show you that, I’m there.”
I’m not sure how Offset imagined his plan unfolding. But it likely ended with Cardi B jumping into his arms. Then they’d lock lips and live happily ever after.
But in the real world, at that moment, there was no Cupid firing hot arrows across the stage — just a hypothermic chill radiating from Cardi B’s icy stare. Her confusion turned into displeasure. She looked like a border officer sizing up a traveller caught smuggling exotic animals inside his luggage: oh no you didn’t.
Cardi B leaned toward Offset and whispered a few words away from the mic.
Then he toddled off, the stage was cleared and she got back to work.
That last part is the key to understanding why this grand romantic gesture was, in fact, a creepy act of selfishness. Offset was not putting Cardi B on a pedestal. He was putting her on the spot. He did not demonstrate why she should take him back.
He only proved why she should not.
Cardi B is a performer who was in the midst of a live performance. If she were a sur- geon, Offset would’ve interrupted as she was operating. If she were a pilot, he would’ve barged into the cockpit as she was landing the plane. If she were a clerk at the Gap, he would’ve stormed the cash register as she was feverishly ringing out a line of haggard Christmas shoppers.
The point, as always in life, is in knowing the time and the place. And on Saturday, Offset was in dire need of a watch and a map.
Invading your ex’s place of business — whether it’s a corporate boardroom, a restaurant kitchen or a concert stage — amounts to an act of control. It is steeped in disregard. If you’re annexing someone else’s professional space with your relationship woes, the cake should read: “THIS IS ALL ABOUT ME.”
On Sunday, Ms. B posted circumspect videos on Instagram. She lamented the public nature of her private life. She encouraged her fans to stop bashing Offset, the father of their 5-month-old daughter. But she also seemed resigned to the split.
Later on Sunday, Offset tweeted an explanation for his lovesick antics: “All of my wrongs have been made public, i figure It’s only right that my apologies are made public too. A n---a was just trying .....thank god I ain’t got no balloons sheeesh.”
Party favours aren’t the problem here, bro. The problem is you.
Before Offset shows up at Cardi B’s next concert with a new Rolls — before he hires a skywriter to spray contrails of “WE ARE SOUL MATES CARDI” above the stadium — he should ask himself some hard questions: “Why did I propose to her a year ago, also during a concert, when we had secretly wed the month before? Why did I go out for my birthday on Friday in an $11,000 Swarovski crystal ski mask, looking like a bejewelled freedom fighter? And most important, now at the tender age of 27, how have I fathered four children with four different women?”
At this rate, Offset will have impregnated half the female rappers in the world by the time he’s 40. And then he’ll rack up millions in floral, bakery and gemstone expenses trying to win them back, one oversharing mea culpa at a time.
Wealth can be a great inhibitor to wisdom. But to conflate material excess and gaudy shows of affection with respect and inner peace is to ultimately kid yourself: you can’t become an angel until you confront your demons. You can’t be a good partner until you truly want what’s best for the other person. And showing up at her job only confirms you’re not there yet.