Can I tell him to lose the beard?

Having opinions about your partner’s style is normal, says The Kit’s executive editor, but pushing those preferences is not

My husband has grown a beard over the past couple of years and I hate it. I have complained about it to him, but he hasn’t changed anything. Aren’t hipster beards over by now? Should I tell him to shave it off? — Ashley, Mississauga

I was at a barbecue a few summers ago when a friend wondered loudly, “Hey, do you ever kiss your husband anymore?” He was poking fun at my husband’s beard, which had evolved from Sundayafternoon-stubble to I-was-shipwrecked-years-ago proportions. You aren’t alone, Ashley — at some point over the past decade, we all seem to have ended up with bearded husbands.

The global phenomenon swept a generation of men who delighted in the idea that they could groom less, while becoming more stylish. But is the trend truly over? I asked all-pro barber Robert McMillen, who works with L’Oréal Paris and owns an impossibly cool barbershop in Manhattan, named after his grandmother Mildred. (He, of course, also looks the part of a dapper barber with his well-groomed stubble and extensive sleeves of curated tattoos.) “The craze of the big, burly lumberjack beard seems to have died off a bit in major metropolitan cities like New York or Toronto,” he explains. “A lot of guys are still wearing some variation of facial hair — I'd say more than half — but the big beard is taking a back seat to playing with styles from a moustache to a shadow.”

So hipster beards aren’t exactly over, but they certainly aren’t giving the wink-and-a-nod to cool that they used to. But, if your husband is anything like mine, he’s grown used to his formerly-fashionable beard. It’s like a soft security blanket that cradles his ego and shields his face from the elements (and yes, winter beards are actually a thing, McMillen says. Some of his clients grow themselves a face-parka when the mercury starts to drop.) He probably thinks the beard is stylish; he’s probably proud of it.

When you say you hate his hairy accessory (that’s a strong word, normally reserved for the type of monster who’d put raisins in cinnamon buns) it might upset him. “One of the most attractive things in a relationship is confidence,” echoes McMillen. “And although we may want our partner to do something we like, we also want them to feel like themselves.”

The first step to striking that balance is to pinpoint what’s bugging you about the beard. Is it the coarseness against your cheek when you’re close? Is it the man-of-the-woods esthetic?

There are compromises to be found. For example, the rough feel of a beard can be smoothed with a few drops of beard oil and a lukewarm shower. (Standing under a stream of hot water is one of the worst things to do to skin and facial hair, despite how good it feels in the midst of a polar vortex, because the heat strips your natural moisture.) You can also suggest that your man smooth his facial moisturizer down into his beard, as well. It’s a handy way to use up the product remaining on his hands and add lustre to his beard. (All facial hair requires some grooming — a regular trim and neck shave should be de rigueur for every bearded dude.)

“Then just scale back!” McMillen suggests, referring to both your husband’s statement facial hair and your distaste for it. “Beards are diverse. They can vary in length, position and so on. A lot of people talk about flattering face shape when it comes to hairstyles, and some of that can be true for a beard.” So it’s time for a talk — and not with me. You are allowed to have opinions about your partner’s style. But your preferences can’t take priority over his own. We are all bombarded by the culturally approved notion that men should be stylish, but that most are simply too dumb to pull it off. ( Queer Eye has built a franchise on the concept.) But can we really allow ourselves to be that patronizing?

“I’ve been a barber for years and we see over 300 guys a week in our shop now, so I’ve had the opportunity to have a lot of conversations with men,” McMillen says. “We’re trying to break down some of the bravado around toxic masculinity. We don’t want guys to feel tied to being tough. I think the male ego is actually one of the most fragile things that exists, so we can all try to be a little more progressive in our approach.” It’s common, he explains, for a man to sit down in his chair for the first time and, before he’s had a chance to utter a word, his partner (be it woman or man) is directing the appointment like one would for a child. “It can be a little degrading,” he explains. “There’s a way for you to guide your significant other, without putting everyone in an uncomfortable position. Fall back a little bit and let them enjoy the experience.”

My suggestion is this: Before you turn on Netflix at home in the evening, show your partner some pictures of facial hair you like. (It’s the only time Instagram will add value to your life.) Tell him why you think it would look great. Ask him if he feels the same way. Then leave the decision with him. Hipster beards may be on their way out, but your marriage should be here to stay. Send your pressing beauty and style questions to Kathryn at ask@thekit.ca