Partner’s dinner guest is cause for concern
Q: I recently returned home from a business trip and learned that my still-“new” partner had invited a woman friend to dinner at our home. My youngest daughter, who was staying with her father, came home unexpectedly, to get some schoolbooks, and encountered them at the dining table.
She left very upset and told her father about the “strange woman” there. He later confronted me with the news. My partner denies any wrongdoing, saying they were “just hungry.” Should I make this an issue? Private Dinner
A: It depends on for whom this becomes an issue — is it about your still-new partner, your daughter, your ex, or you? Since you call the setting “our home,” your partner should be allowed to entertain a friend there. However, it’s also your daughter’s home and he could’ve mentioned ahead or texted her that he might or did invite this woman for dinner. But, since it was a spontaneous “just hungry” happening, the closest restaurant or diner would’ve done nicely and avoided any awkward appearances with you away.
The “issue” then is this: 1) You and he need to clarify what’s acceptable regarding his having women visitors in the house when you’re not there. 2) Also, discuss and agree on what’s appropriate behaviour in a home he also shares with your daughter(s). 3) Your ex was right to inform you, but has no other part in this discussion unless your daughter tells him about other discomforts about your partner (which you’ll need to look into). 4) Lastly, this already is your issue too, since you’re unsure of your own boundaries and lax about defining them. Either you trust your partner completely, or you have doubts. Q: My mother had many relationships. I’ve never met my biological father, only knew his name. At 20 (I’m 37 now), I was given a photo of him and me as a baby.
It took me 17 years, but I finally found him! I haven’t told my mother. Pending DNA test results, I plan on being a part of this man’s life. My concern: My mother will go after him for any monetary gain she can get. She tries to sue anyone, so she can have money she didn’t work for. Child support for me isn’t an issue now, and also, I know that paternity was always in question.
It kills me that I can’t enjoy finding my father and sharing that with the people who love me the most, for fear my mother will find out. Seeking Dad
A: You’re embarking on a very emotional experience, so please take it one step at a time. That said, this isn’t your mother’s story; it’s yours. You don’t have to tell her until you’re ready. So, do your research, then make contact and see how it goes. With DNA tests and paternity still uncertain, you may still connect with this man, but not necessarily in the fulsome manner you may be imagining.
Though he may be thrilled to meet you, he already has a life, perhaps including a wife and other children who’ll also need time to absorb your being “family.”
Meanwhile, if any of the realities you encounter in this search are off-putting or worrying, talk to a professional counsellor for guidance and support. The perspective gained will help towards a more positive result for you. Ellie’s tip of the day Can a partner bring a woman-friend home when you’re away and children may be present? Discuss it. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Send relationship questions to ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.