Why women settle in their romantic relationships
Aliyyah Phady’s ex-boyfriend had been a poor match for her, yet she stayed. Bumble survey finds 23 per cent of young women settle rather than search for their ideal mate
“I started seeing someone!” Aliyyah Phady told me as I checked into the Yorkville hair salon for my appointment.
I’d last seen Phady, 21, an apprentice at Sassoon Salon, at its 50th anniversary party three months before, and she was a little worse for wear. She had just been dumped — on her birthday, at that — by her long-term boyfriend.
Little did she know that it was the best gift he could’ve given her.
Phady had been unhappy in her relationship. Her partner was unsupportive of her job and, it turns out, all the good things happening in her life.
But she never thought of leaving him. Instead she settled and worked around the dynamics of their relationship. She would do the things that made her happy without him. At least she had a partner to go home to, she thought.
Phady is not alone in making a conscious decision to settle on a partner and not look for a better match.
A survey by the dating app Bumble asked 1,003 Canadian women between 21 and 37 whether they were settling in any of their personal relationships. The survey was done between Nov. 30 and Dec. 10, 2018.
It found that 23 per cent of Canadian women between 21and 37 who responded to the survey said they are settling in their romantic relationships.
The survey didn’t define settling, but rather defined which relationships they were settling in such as romantic relationships, friendships and personal relationships as a whole.
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So why do so many women stay in a romantic relationship that isn’t working for them?
Natasha Sharma, a Torontobased relationship therapist and creator of The Kindness Journal says its because of the stigma attached to being a single woman.
“Being in a relationship is still largely and generally regarded as a badge of honour and success at life, and as such, it makes sense why many young women find partners for the sake of being part of a partnership, as opposed to truly making a conscious decision to choose a particular person to share a portion of their life with,” Sharma says.
And she’s not the only one to notice this.
Experts say it’s less about the fact that you’re settling and more about what narrative you’re spinning that causes you to stay.
Jess O’Reilly, a Toronto-based sexologist and host of the SexWithDrJess podcast says anyone who feels they are settling in their romantic relationship, should ask themselves why.
“In some cases, you may not feel you have a choice. In others, however, you might consider what needs this relationship meets,” O’Reilly says.
She suggests speaking up about personal needs and setting clear boundaries and expectations for the relationship. “Oftentimes, our needs aren’t met because we don’t clearly communicate them to a partner.
“There are no universal rules for relationships, so you can’t expect your partner to know what you want without open communication. It’s important to note that this applies regardless of gender.”
After examining her past relationship and asking herself why she settled, Phady did what many women do after a split — she changed her hair.
The new colour and style made her feel empowered and fresh. Then she entered the online dating scene and says she has found a more compatible match.
The two hit it off. In the past month, they have gone on more than 10 dates and have communicated daily since they met. Phady said she didn’t notice the red flags in her old relationship until she started to see someone else.
“My ex never texted me to compliment me, and seemed to be jealous of my successes,” Phady says.
“This guy compliments me and is really genuine about it and supportive.”