My wife has been disconnected for years

Q: We’ve been married for 19 years, our daughter’s away at university, our son’s 14, living at home. My wife has put distance between us for the last few years and hasn’t slept in the same room with me for 18 months. Conversation has become rude, then turned to silence today.

She also hasn’t cooked any meals at home during that time. She’s either at work or sleeping at home.

Recently, I found proof that she’s become closer to a man, her co-worker. On many occasions, she’d lead us to believe that she works multiple shifts in a day. Many of those double shifts weren’t true. She was actually leaving our house and going straight to his house, not far away.

I never revealed what I knew, only asked for time to chat with her. She rejected this outright, saying that she was tired and had no intention to chat with me. What should I do to save this marriage when she rejects conversation?

Should I reveal that I actually know where she spends her time while not working? The Confused Man

A: There’s no advantage to you or the children in helping her keep up the pretence that she’s still a partner in your marriage.

Your son is old enough to know that his mother has abandoned any role at home.

There’s also no advantage to you or the marriage to sudden- ly produce your proof in a heavy-handed “caught-you” manner.

Instead, tell her calmly, that you know she’s heavily involved with her co-worker and that you need to discuss what her intentions are about the marriage and children.

Now, here’s the choice: I believe that you should first discuss with a lawyer what you want to happen, as well as what you believe will happen. And then get advice on how to proceed once you’ve raised the subject with her.

I say this because she’s already invested many months in doing as she pleases and thinking you know nothing about what’s really going on. So she’s likely to waste the opportunity to talk, but insisting you’re wrong.

However, once you’re more aware of the legal obligations and responsibilities involved, you can simply say, 1) that you have proof of her activities away from home; 2) that if she’s wanting to separate, these are the decisions to be made about the children, the house and your joint finances.

That should get the two of you talking. Q: My extremely difficult co-worker is incompetent, rude, immature, petty and spiteful.

He’s often muttering under his breath about someone doing him wrong.

But he does a personality transformation when our boss is around.

I’m a hard-working, wellliked contract worker currently trying to gain permanency in my current role. My boss acknowledges that I’m carrying this co-worker.

However, this person is a permanent worker. And it’s widely known that our boss prefers workers who don’t complain. Need Ideas

A: Some options to consider: Bosses generally like problemsolvers. You could find a better placement in the company for this man. Or you could offer to start a training program for slackers, if it moved you to a permanent position.

Or, you could accept that your help to this co-worker already brings you favour and hopefully advancement in time.

Or, look for another job. Ellie’s tip of the day

When a marriage reaches an impasse, silence is useless. Face your difficult choices. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Send relationship questions to ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.