Avoid rushing your relationship

Q: I recently returned to my home country, and was actively looking for a partner. Family and friends tried to set me up with men they know.

I also connected with an old friend while I was dating there. I noticed that it felt easier to be with him than with the new guys I met.

So I asked if he’d be interested to pursue a relationship (knowing that I was soon heading back to North America).

He said that he’d always liked me, but never thought I’d choose him. I spent a few days with him, returned home and we now talk over the phone.

Initially, I found him to be a caring person who’d make sure I feel OK. But I quickly realized that he takes life slow and steady whereas I like to have a plan and shortterm goals.

I prefer doing something, instead of just hanging with friends and drinking. His work doesn’t have regular 9-5 hours so he spends a lot of time hanging out and drinking with friends.

I worry that he’ll never try to improve his life.

It’s been only a few weeks, but these differences and his lack of initiative to find a way to come visit me is irritating me.

We’ve been trying to find a way to meet somewhere in the middle, but it’s hard for me to take a vacation from work just after returning from one.

Since he’s self-employed, I feel he could easily come here for a while. But he still hasn’t tried to apply for a visitor’s visa (but he complains about how we are going to get to know each other if we don’t spend time together).

He doesn’t want to tell his family yet because he thinks we need to be really sure. However, he keeps saying he loves me. My family knows about this relationship and has no objections. In my culture, family approval is a very big deal.

Did I rush into things? Or am I being impatient? Should I give it more time before pulling the plug? Confused A: Yes, you rushed things. You travelled far to seek a relationship so thought you had to start one no matter what, and this guy was the most familiar and comfortable, rather than your having to learn everything new about someone else.

But neither of you are ready to fully commit … and that’s more fortunate than you realize. Despite your common homeland, you two are very different in nature.

So are many couples who come to love each other and have lasting relationships, but it doesn’t happen if you start off thinking that unless he’s more like you, it won’t work.

Also, you haven’t mentioned love toward him, even though he’s said it to you.

You’re still living in different environments and responding to this new situation in different ways.

You want him to drop everything and fly to where you live. He’s stalling, wishing you could meet halfway and give more time to building the connection. So, what’s the hurry? If your parents (or yourself ) are pressuring you to marry, recognize that this is a lifetime decision.

You can probably meet people from your background/ culture where you currently live.

OR, you can relax and get to know this man better through frequent texts, Face-time, etc.

Give him more time, but be clear (gently) that figuring out a plan to meet soon, must be a mutual effort from both of you. Ellie’s tip of the day

Seeking a relationship despite distance is reasonable; rushing one too soon is unwise.

Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Send relationship questions to ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.