I’m stalking my fiancé’s ex online and want to stop

Q: I’m obsessed with online stalking of my fiancé’s exwife! I know that it’s abhorrent and shameful behaviour, but I’m addicted to stalking her on Instagram and Facebook through my own fake accounts.

She had difficulty letting go of her past relationship with my partner (it ended many years ago), but she’d still sometimes post about him and it always hurt my feelings.

Or I’d “catch” her letting their kids do dangerous things my partner (their dad) forbids them to do, and telling my partner about it.

I’ve tried detoxing from looking, closing out my fake accounts, but I keep going back. Why am I doing this? How can I stop? I told my partner about my online espionage and he obviously disapproved. He loves me and I know there’s zero chance of a reconciliation between them, so I’m not sure what I’m looking for:

Comparisons? Her failures and vulnerabilities? To make myself feel better? Or worse?

She’s 10-plus years older than me and very beautiful, but not a nice person. I’m ashamed and tired of my own immature behaviour that’s been going on for over three years.

I seek to understand why I’m doing it in hopes of finally stopping. Ashamed Stalker

A: Sorry, no one-shot answer can explain your motivation for stalking this woman, but at least you’ve recognized that you do need help.

It takes hard work over time to become fully honest with yourself about the insecurities, jealousies and experiences that may be driving this behaviour even as you feel ashamed of it.

Seek out a trained and registered psychotherapist who’ll spend the needed weeks of probing your past and present, fears and anxieties with you, regarding your husband’s ex.

You need to do this for yourself, and for your partner. And even for your relationship with his children who need you to care about them for themselves.

Your motivation mustn’t be just to troll for flaws in her upbringing of them … unless you find they’re truly being neglected, abused or placed in danger.

Their father needs you to be confident in your relationship with him, not constantly distracted for any such reasons you mention, such as comparisons and/or needing to feel superior to her.

He wants to love you only for yourself.

And you must want that too, so that you’re not perpetually distracted by a self-demeaning obsession of online stalking this woman.

Q: I’m 32, and had started a relationship at 23 that lasted (on and off ) for eight years until my boyfriend finally broke up with me six months ago.

Almost immediately, I met someone else and we both fell hard. I didn’t expect it so soon, and was a bit cautious so I kept it going slowly for about three months.

Then one night, it seemed we were about to start getting intimate when he suddenly grabbed my hand and placed it on his privates under his clothing … no buildup of kissing, just “take care of my needs.”

I rebuffed him. He got up and walked out. I haven’t heard from him in a month. What do you suggest I do? Shocked

A: Forget him. He revealed much more than his privates, and showed you his inner nature: selfish and crude.

Sure, maybe he was frustrated by the slow buildup to intimacy. But what happened to sweet-talk, to deep kissing and checking out your response?

Give some time now to not seeking a relationship and get to know the guys you date better before “falling hard.” Ellie’s tip of the day Cyber-stalking’s illegal (especially if harassment’s involved), and an unhealthy obsession requiring therapy for the stalker.

He wants to love you only for yourself. And you must want that too, so that you’re not perpetually distracted by a self-demeaning obsession of online stalking this woman