SETTING EXAMPLES
Being a role model to your kids can help them build healthy relationships on their own,
Having children is a little like agreeing to walk around with your heart on the outside.
So when our kids have hurt feelings because of something that’s gone on with a friend — someone didn’t include them in a game at recess or an Instagram post shows everyone but them was invited to a sleepover — we desperately want to make that hurt go away.
As a result, sometimes we end up intervening when we really should guide our kids to find their own solutions first. Or we offer them platitudes that don’t really acknowledge what’s happening — “Oh, you’ve got lots of friends. Forget her!”
Of course, in severe bullying situations, kids need the help of grownups to put an end to the problem.
But in the course of more ordinary friendship drama, there’s a lot we can do to give our kids the words and skills they need to find their way to more positive relationships, says child development specialist Caron Irwin, herself a mother of three young children.
Irwin is a child-life specialist and the founder of Roo Parenting, a consulting service geared to parents of kids zero to 12.
She points out that children don’t exactly come with networking skills built-in.
“Kids come out with different temperaments and some may be more outgoing or more shy, but no matter where they are in their temperament, they might not necessarily have those natural skills to be able to start conversations and build rapport with other people, and ultimately, to make friends,” Irwin says.
“It’s our role as parents to provide them with that skill and teach them and allow them to have opportunities to rehearse those skills.”
Here’s what that can look like. Emphasizing empathy
Irwin says the building blocks of healthy friendships start with conversations around empathy. At age 3 or 5, little kids are just starting to learn the rules of engagement with friends. For example, telling your child that it might upset your friend if you snatch a ball out of his hand.
Later on, when friend groups get tight and sometimes a little cliquey — typically starting between the ages of 8 and 11, says Irwin — that’s a good time to engage kids in chats about how that might make kids outside the circle feel.
These conversations about feelings are a good foundation for being able to know whether a troubling, on-again, off-again friendship is more effort than it’s worth.
“It’s important to encourage your child if the relationship is not positive to them, is not making them feel good and filling them up positively, they need to go seek something else out.” Rehearsing vocabulary
Parents often say things like, “Just go find someone else to play with,” Irwin says, but that’s not always easy for kids to do. “We need to give them ways to venture off into another friend group and insert themselves, to build rapport and a relationship with someone new.”
It’s a big help to give kids ideas for an opening line in playground scenarios, Irwin says.
“So saying to your child, ‘It doesn’t seem like the friendship with those two is working out. Why don’t you go find another group? You love soccer. Why don’t you go over to the soccer game and ask if you can play forward?’ ”
Likewise, you could say, “I want you today to go and find a new friend on the playground and find out what their favourite television show is or their favourite toy to play with at home is,” Irwin says. Role modelling
Another aspect of encouraging our kids toward healthy friendships is by modelling that ourselves, first by making time to see our friends and by talking to our children about what it is we find valuable in our friendships.
Irwin advises parents to highlight the soft skills their friends bring to the table.
Let’s say you’re chatting with your kids before the babysitter arrives so you can go out with a group of friends you’ve known since high school. Irwin advises saying something like, “I’m going out with Kathy and Fatima, whom I’ve known since I was a teenager. I’m looking forward to it because Fatima is a really good listener, and I want to tell her about something that’s happening at work and she’ll be able to help me work through it.”
Or it might be something like, “One of my friends is super funny and I’m excited to have a laugh and just enjoy my time with him.’ ”
Irwin says that when your kids see you interacting with your friends and talking about the value your experiences bring your your life, “that will be beneficial to your kids as they grow older and start to select their own friend groups.”