My wife is being overly cautious with our infant
Q: I’m the proud father of a 1-year-old daughter. My wife had a difficult pregnancy (her first) and is still somewhat nervous with the baby, though the doctor keeps saying that she’s healthy and doing well.
But it seems that I can do nothing right. If I turn my head for a moment, my wife screams that I’m not watching the baby. She does this even when we’re both home with our daughter and while she’s the one checking her phone.
If the baby sneezes, my wife panics and accuses me of creating a draft or bringing home germs from my workplace. When I play with my daughter, she says I should be feeding her instead. When I feed her, she says I’m doing it wrong (even though the baby’s happily eating).
I worry that this attitude is going to continue and come between me and my daughter, or between me and my wife. Worried New Dad
A: It’s not uncommon for a new mother to be nervous about her baby’s well-being, but if your wife becomes constantly anxious, doubts her own baby-care abilities and/or gets depressed about it, she needs to see her doctor and likely a counsellor, too. She’ll also need your understanding and support.
If possible, join her at your daughter’s checkups, so that you hear the doctor’s positive reports, too.
Meanwhile, talk to your wife about how much you want to be an equal partner in raising your daughter with her. Ask what books she’s reading about baby and child care, and what information she finds the most useful. Do some reading yourself, and discuss what you learn. This is a new journey for both of you, over at least the next two decades.
Q: Twenty years ago my marriage ended, my mother was diagnosed with cancer and I was raped by a family friend. I was suicidal and in the hospital several times.
It took me three years of counselling to heal and start over. The betrayal by people I loved was the most painful and hardest to get over. Now, my father has pressured me and other female relatives to invite a male relative who’s a convicted pedophile to join us for a special-occasion dinner.
I refused. So did the other female relatives. We’ve never been close to this man. My father feels sorry for him because he lacks family or friends. When mentioned again at the latest gathering, my father started to scream and swear at me over this, then left.
He’s been verbally abusive towards me several other times when I don’t agree with him or do what he wants. Later, he sent me a message that I was never to contact him, and he never wanted to see me again. I was very traumatized and had to go back for counselling. I’ve now learned that my father has a medical condition that could soon end his life. I love my father very much, yet I’m very fragile emotionally.
If I visit him and he yells and swears at me, I fear I’ll want to harm myself. What should I do? Devastated Daughter
A: Protect yourself. You have a right to do this and a past experience that warrants it.
Your father’s outbursts at you may partly be affected by his medical condition and beyond his control. Still, if it’s too traumatic for you to endure it, your need/ right to save yourself is paramount.
If you had a good relationship in the past, hold onto that memory. Ellie’s Tip of then Day
Sharing new-baby information and mutual trust helps both parents become partners in child rearing.