Trump’s Greenland fantasy is the ticket out
Whether you love him or hate him, I think we can agree on this: Donald Trump even believing he can buy Greenland is clinically insane.
Just hear me out, Trump fans. I’m not your enemy. Honestly. As God is my witness, I come to you today from a place of concern. So kindly remove your MAGA caps and stop nervously fidgeting with the “Hillary Is Satan” salt shakers and do what you haven’t done for the last three years: listen. Don’t do that thing where you snarl at anyone who deigns to challenge your hero before hurling prefab insults — “You have Trump Derangement Syndrome! This is Fake News! Rot in hell!” — when the truth is you already know, deep down, this guy is two tacos short a combo plate.
If there were any remaining doubts the U.S. president is not playing with a full deck — or at the very least, is dealing from 52 cards that are all Jokers — this was erased Thursday when the Wall Street Journal broke a story future historians will conclude was the moment when everyone should have given their heads a shake:
“President Trump Eyes a New RealEstate Purchase: Greenland.”
As the story outlines: “In meetings, dinners and conversations, Mr. Trump has asked advisers whether the U.S. can acquire Greenland and, according to two of the people, has asked his White House counsel to look into the idea. Some of his advisers have supported the concept, saying it would be a good economic play, two of the people said, while others dismissed it as a fleeting fascination. It is also unclear how the U.S. would go about acquiring Greenland even if the effort were serious.”
Uh-huh. You know why it’s unclear? It’s batcrap crazy.
On Friday, Greenland’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs tweeted it was “open for business, not for sale.” This was admirably diplomatic. In Denmark, which controls Greenland as an autonomous territory of its kingdom, the bizarre story mostly generated mockery. As Soren Espersen, the foreign affairs spokesperson for the Danish People’s Party, noted, “If it is true that (Trump) has those thoughts, then it is definitive proof that he has gone crazy. I must say it as it is: The idea that Denmark should sell 50,000 citizens to the United States is completely insane.”
Indeed. Trump exploring a possible purchase of Greenland, as if it were a used 10-speed bike on Kijiji, is as delusional as me thinking I could one day date Gigi Hadid. And we could have a great life together! If Trump ran a 7Eleven, a Big Gulp would now cost 250 bucks and a loyalty oath would be required before anyone could walk away with beef jerky.
Trump is not a public servant. He is a malignant narcissist.
Trump has no lateral intelligence. It’s all circular ego.
And within the realm of politics, that’s like having an illiterate head librarian.
But the good news for Trump fans is this Greenland lunacy is your way out.
Finally! This is the excuse you’ve been craving to extricate yourself from this disaster. Let’s get real here. You’re tired of defending this nincompoop. You’re fed up with loved ones looking at you like you’re a moron. You now realize no good can ever come from anything Trump does or says. He is a flesh-eating bacteria. He is a toilet with no flush, a vacuum with no suck. At this point, to be a Trump fan is to be pro-asbestos. No matter how you rationalize your support — He’s sticking it to liberals! He’s not politically correct! — you know he is just making the world sicker and
more profoundly unstable. He is a cancer on humanity. But if Trump were mentally ill — and this drumbeat diagnosis is now loudest from those who were his biggest supporters — that could be your emergency escape. Anthony Scaramucci, who served as the White House director of communications for 11 days in 2017, recently told Vanity Fair: “I think the guy is losing it, mentally. He has declining mental faculties; he’s becoming more petulant; he’s becoming more impetuous.”
Then there is lawyer George Conway, husband to Trump senior adviser Kellyanne Conway and a fellow who now presumably sleeps on a rollout couch.
As he tweeted, Trump “suffers from personality disorders that render him unfit, but he also clearly needs a full battery of tests for deteriorating mental capacity.”
Harsh. But, again, good news for Trump fans with misgivings.
Let’s get real a second time. Trump should be obsessed with the economy, health care, education, infrastructure, gun control, income equality. Instead, in his alter ego as “Tariff Man,” the global economy is on the verge of recession. I have friends who work in the financial sector and they are like, “Dude, it’s bad — and it’s coming.”
So this is your way out, Trump fans. Make a break. Regain your freedom. Regain your dignity. One of the most valuable instincts anyone can develop is in knowing when to leave a party.
Everyone is drinking and having a good time but, at a certain point in the night, it’s time to go. This Greenland business, Trump fans, this is your last call, your exit strategy, your final chance to call an Uber.
Whatever Trump promised, whatever you thought he was, that’s over.
This maniac thinks he can buy Greenland.
This maniac lives in a dangerous fantasyland.