Staying present during sex
In The Kit’s monthly Sex Talk column, we consult the experts to answer your I-would-only-whisper-this-to-a-friend sexual health questions. “Every time a guy goes down on me, I freeze up and start worrying about what I smell or taste like or how long it’s taking, or I just start to feel awkward. How can I loosen up and actually enjoy it?” — Lina, Etobicoke
I’ve recently been doing a rewatch of The Sopranos. Turns out, I had completely forgotten that an entire episode (“Boca”) revolves around a senior mob member’s love of cunnilingus — and how it could get him killed. That’s right: Tony Soprano and Co. are terrified that knowledge of Uncle Junior’s love of going down on his girlfriend could get out, making him appear “weak” and unfit to lead their mafia family. No wonder you feel a little shy: where are our oral sex role models?!
This lack of positive media portrayals can have a very real effect on our oral sex lives in real life. “Even in the majority of porn, it’s almost an afterthought,” says Shan Boodram, a sexologist YouTuber with almost half a million subscribers and a new book, The Game of Desire. “Art imitates life and life imitates art.”
This is mostly a straight thing, by the way. In the queer community, oral sex is often celebrated as the main event. When it comes to women who have sex with cis men, however, cunnilingus can be an awkward topic. For one thing, heteros generally classify this femalepleasure-forward event as “foreplay,” a term that positions intercourse (which prioritizes male pleasure) as the main event. “It’s almost like it’s an optional activity,” Boodram says.
Then there’s the smell and taste factor. As Boodram points out, “The commentary that women hear about our natural secretions? You don’t hear that about men. You don’t see male douching products.”
Receiving oral sex can make you feel vulnerable, especially for people who have experienced sexual trauma or some trans folks who may feel shy about their genitals. If you feel like you need some extra support, schedule a few sessions with a body-positive sex therapist to help put you at ease.
“You’re doing something new or outside of your comfort zone, so the best you could possibly do is just not traumatize yourself,” Boodram says.
Men may skip oral for many reasons, and once you add in the fact that many women are not super-familiar with their own anatomy and feel shame and confusion around seeking that pleasure, there’s a whole lot of women who aren’t getting any (good) head.
“It can just seem simpler to forget the whole thing and say, ‘We’ll just do what works for you, because that’s what I’ve seen in media over and over again,’ ” Boodram says.
Screw that. It’s time to claim those orgasms!
Here’s how to ramp up to the full meal deal at your own pace. Get a checkup Sometimes, our vaginas do smell. A bit of musk is A-okay (and sexy!), but serious odour can signal an infection or imbalance, such as trichomoniasis or bacterial vaginosis. If you notice a smell that is out of the ordinary for you, get it checked out by your GP or gyno.
That way, you can go into your oral sex adventure with a clean bill of health. And having a shower beforehand can help set your mind at ease about any nervous sweats. Get to know your body “If the idea of getting oral sex is uncomfortable for you, that’s probably not your entry point. Your entry point might be self-work,” Boodram advises.
Get out a mirror and familiarize yourself with your body. Spend some solo time with your sex toys and figure out your favourite sensations. Get inspired Check out movies and TV episodes with great oral sex scenes; a few of our favourites include Blue Valentine and Outlander pilot, along with Two Girls and a Guy, In the Cut and A History of Violence. Incorporate them into your solo routine.
Try some porn that features women getting oral, too — seek out films with female creative teams behind them. “If you feel uncomfortable,” Boodram says, “just stop watching and try again in a few days.”
Position yourself for success Lying on your back with someone’s face in your nethers can feel quite vulnerable, so experiment with riding their face, kneeling on all fours, standing up, sitting on the bed or even 69-ing, if you want to have a little bit of distraction.
“Figure out how and where you feel sexy and powerful, because that’s what this moment is all about,” Boodram says.
“Think ‘Where would I feel like the most boss individual? Where do I feel like I’m in control and in command?’ That position will be different for many people.” Take your time Let go of any guilt about enjoying this time as looooong as you want. “When it comes to men, the goal is to go for as long as possible,” Boodram says. “And with women, it’s like, ‘Hurry up and get it done!’ ”
We need to shift that mindset. Instead of stressing about how long it takes to orgasm, try to stay present and enjoy the sensations. Join in Another way to enjoy the experience more is to lend a hand. Give a demo on how you like to touch yourself so your partner can mimic it with their tongue. Speak up Not getting there quite yet? Use those cuddly “I” statements to ask for what you want, like, “I love it when you put your fingers inside me at the same time.” Some women need consistent stimulation on their clitoris to come. If that’s you, make sure to tell your partner. Don’t rush it Don’t forget: getting the hang of a new sex thing takes time. (You may also never like it, and that’s OK, too!)