My Mr. Right is a bigot. Do I end the relationship?
Q: A year ago I met the man of my dreams: he’s intelligent, compassionate, funny, generous, ambitious and attractive.
When he uttered his first racist comment, I was shocked. I didn’t respond and considered it a one-off.
Several more have followed and when I tell him how upset these comments make me, he says that he doesn’t really mean them and that I’m too sensitive. I then found out from a mutual friend that he’s been reprimanded at work for homophobic comments.
Just recently he posted a horrible and racist joke on social media. I’m heartbroken that the man I thought of as my Mr. Right is a bigot. Do I end it?
Deeply Disappointed
A: Yes. End it. Unless you want to spend years cringing in place as wisecracks and throwaway remarks emerge from the negativity raging just below the surface of what a good guy he appears to be.
Racism, homophobia, misogyny, bigotry, anti-Semitism, Islamophobia — whatever can be blamed on “those others” — they’re part of him.
He uses “just-joking” excuses and the bully pulpit of social media to spread his venom.
Thank your good fortune that he couldn’t hide it from you any longer.
Now that you know this worm of discontent and anger lives within him, staying together would position you as accepting of his prejudices — or worse, agreeing with him. Unfair? We are judged by the lowest denominator of what we accept. You’re disappointed in him. And in the false hopes you had for a happy future with him, before you knew the reality of his judgments and blame.
But that disappointment is nothing to what you’d feel if you don’t end this relationship now.
Q: My husband lied to Child Protective Services about me. He’s been emotionally abusing me for years and when I tell this to CPS, they only listen to his lies. As a result, I’ve now lost my children. I’ve told my lawyer my concerns, but she didn’t care and only wants to deal with the children’s case.
Yet these concerns are part of it, as he’s emotionally abused me in front of my children. I need to show what he’s done, but no one wants to listen to me and they all pin me as a mental case when I’m not.
Confused and Hurting
A: It’s a heartbreak to lose your children. However, child protective services are trained to investigate the situations before them and your lawyer must focus mainly on the children’s needs and care.
I must not judge the case, knowing none of the actual facts beyond your feeling emotionally abused.
But I recommend asking CPS and/or your lawyer for help getting counselling to deal with the loss of your kids and to help you recover from emotional abuse.
The latter is important if you are ever able to be involved in future visits with your children (if CPS deems that as a safe option that would be positive for the children).
FEEDBACK Regarding healthy seniors finding love again after a spouse has died (April 23):
Reader: “Seniors are too often very lonely. Some don’t know how to use the internet to connect with family and friends.
“Forty years ago, my widowed greatuncle, 84, remarried.
“We were a bit surprised, but he said that at this age they married for each other’s company. His only child wasn’t visiting and he was lonely.
“His new wife was wonderful and quickly became part of our family. We kept in touch with her more than with his child!” Ellie’s tip of the day Dislike racism/bigotry? Say so and avoid those who spout it.