What should you do if your neighbours are loudly arguing?
Though we’re socialized to be polite, there’s no harm in checking in
We’re all feeling like the walls are closing in on us these days and in our densely populated city we may be getting to know our neighbours, a little too well. As we’re orbiting our small worlds between four walls, it can be easy to forget that there are people around us who may be overhearing us.
Jessie lives in Toronto’s east end and asked that the Star not reveal her last name to keep the peace with her neighbours. She says that she lives in a semidetached home and shares a wall with her next-door neighbours, a couple. Since quarantine, her neighbours’ arguing has escalated to every other day, sometimes more than once a day. “Some of the stuff I’ve heard has been minor arguments, like not cleaning the kitchen, and others have been more heated,” Jessie said.
She says it’s only when they’re having a heated argument that she can hear them, because their voices are raised. “I hear him more than I hear her. He’s the one doing most of the arguing. I picture her sitting there and taking it, but she could be lashing out at him in a lower voice that I can’t hear,” Jessie said.
You should call the police if you feel unsafe or suspect domestic violence. But what if the issue is that you feel like an unwilling voyeur, forced to weather the ups and downs of a quarantined couple’s relationship? Though she’s in her own home, she feels like she’s invading their privacy. “I feel like I’m learning more about their relationship and its nuances, that I shouldn’t be exposed to. If I was arguing like that, I wouldn’t want my neighbours to hear me,” Jessie said. “We share a wall, an entrance and a fence in the backyard, so if we are to run into each other, it’s hard for me to make eye contact because I feel like I know a little too much about their relationship. Not only what’s happening in the kitchen, but what’s going on in the bedroom.”
She says it doesn’t sound violent or abusive, mostly just cabin fever.
“I think it’s being cooped up in small places with a significant other for a long time, but they don’t realize their fights aren’t just with each other; that their neighbour is now included in it,” Jessie said.
She and her neighbours are homeowners with no plans to move anywhere, and she doesn’t want it to be awkward. “They’re still my neighbours and I don’t think it’s my place, and I don’t want to embarrass them and make them uncomfortable with me,” Jessie said.
So how do you decide whether or not you should get involved when you overhear a neighbour’s private moments, or even just let them know you can hear them?
“We are a pretty passive-aggressive culture in Canada and we are socialized to be polite and quiet, but there is also this neighbourliness — to look out for each other — even though we avoid conflict,” Lisa Orr, a Toronto-based etiquette expert said. She says that though it may be awkward to speak up, if this woman was her neighbour, she’d approach her directly when she’s alone. She suggests saying something along the lines of, “I just want to make sure you’re OK. I hear you guys arguing, so I want to let you know. I know things are really tough right now and there’s no judgment on my end, just know I’m here for you.”
“At least she knows she can come to you, and if not, that’s fine. That’s just their relationship, life is complicated, things are complicated, but telling people that you’re available, with the comment of no judgment, it says ‘if you want help it’s here,’ ” Orr said. “There’s more value in taking the risk of speaking up then staying silent hoping you won’t hurt anyone’s feelings or ruffle anyone’s feathers.”
If you’re wondering how that will land, Orr says your neighbour will likely appreciate that you told her directly. “She would know she has someone who she can come to if she needs help, and I think we all need that right now,” Orr said. “Right now, tempers are high, people are exhausted and there’s so much intensity, so we need to provide more care to people in our lives.”
“If it’s safe, approach them when they are calm, during a hello or goodbye,” said Janna Comrie, a registered psychotherapist and director of The Comrie Counselling Corporation. She suggests saying something along the lines of “I’m not sure if you’re aware, but I can hear the arguments you guys are having. I know it’s a stressful time. I’m not judging but if my neighbours could hear me, I’d want to know.”
“If she feels that the woman is experiencing verbal abuse, she could gently approach her with an acknowledgment of the fact that it’s got to be difficult for her,” Comrie said.
Comrie says that the situation with COVID-19 has put a lot of stress on relationships, as there are a bunch of factors coming together. One is that people are spending 24-7 together, “Things that were small issues can really grate on people over time. Couples who have been growing apart often don’t realize the extent of it when they only spend minimal time together,” Comrie said. “Facing non-stop contact, they now realize or can’t deny how strained the relationship is.”
She says other factors include concerns about illness and death of loved ones, concerns about financial health and job security, little distraction outside the home, and the list goes on.
“These things all create stress within the body and the things we normally do to relieve stress aren’t available in the ways we are used to. People are on edge and stress is cumulative,” Comrie said.