Thoughtful over the phone, though not so much in real life
Juan didn’t seem aware that his ex wasn’t a great topic of conversation
Clare is a 36-year-old teacher who lives in the east end. She says, “My personal style is simple, modest and preppy, but I always have some fun ‘flair’ in my hair.” Clare is “quiet, a good listener, intelligent, trustworthy and funny.” She says, “On dates, I usually meet up for coffee or tea and a walk, or for drinks. With friends, I’m more into activities like playing sports or throwing dinner parties.” Clare says, “I spend a lot of time recharging.” She likes comedy and crime shows, writing and drawing.
I’ve been single for a long time. I don’t have a good dating track record. I’ve dated a lot of “bad boys” who mostly saw me as a resource. I was too eager and too nice, without self-confidence, and without a model for what a loving partnership should look like.
I’m trying to navigate my way through the dating world and social relationships at a strange age and in a strange time. I went on just one second date in the six months before COVID-19 hit. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing or the wrong thing by using apps. How serious are the men on there? How seriously will I be taken for being on there? I’ve decided to give it a fair chance. What else can I do?
I thought Juan was attractive, based on his photos. He appeared to be gainfully employed, honest and seemed to know what he was after in life.
He was engaged and insightful when we talked. Since there was about an hour of driving between the two of us, we texted quite a bit and spoke over the phone a couple of times before deciding to meet up.
The topic of kids came up. Juan had a child with his ex, and he asked me if I definitely wanted to have kids of my own or if I could be happy either way.
I told him that I thought I might be internalizing social pressure around having a child, but that I felt a bit removed from society among other people my own age, and that I saw the upsides and downsides. I appreciated that he had asked me. Most guys wouldn’t.
We met up at an upscale pizza place. Juan was attractive. I noticed some subtle differences between his appearance in person and in his profile. He didn’t look as healthy and vibrant in real life as he did in his photos. He was much thinner and paler.
He seemed to observe some differences between my profile and my real-life appearance, as well. The impression or vibe that I got was that I wasn’t his type. I didn’t find that he was checking me out, as most guys do when they’re into you. There wasn’t a heavy mutual attraction between us, at any rate.
We got a couple of glasses of wine at the bar while we waited for our table.
It was clear right away that there was not going to be any kind of connection between us.
Juan had been so thoughtful and considerate on the phone and over text, but it just wasn’t the same in real life. The conversation was awkward at best.
He talked a lot about himself without asking me any questions or including me in the conversation. This wasn’t the laidback, sweet-seeming guy I had “met” online. If he hadn’t driven all the way across town for the date, I probably would have ended it after the wine.
We sat down for pizza. The food was good but, due to the awkwardness of the date, I didn’t feel like eating much.
Juan talked about his ex throughout dinner. It was too much. I was fine with him indicating to me that he and his ex were on good terms, especially since they have a child, but it did seem like he was holding on to some resentment and needed to process it.
He didn’t seem aware that talking about an ex wasn’t very good first-date conversation. I was conscious that other tables of people were nearby, close enough to overhear how awkward it was. It was embarrassing, to say the least.
I just couldn’t envision a life together with Juan and, even if I could, the chemistry just wasn’t there. We didn’t go out again. Clare rates her date (out of 10): 4
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