Pandemic altered my life and view about boyfriend

Q: I’m a 23-year-old female who feels that the pandemic has changed my life. I’ve been with my boyfriend since late high school. In university, we shared a flat with another student couple, and it was great fun! We studied only when necessary.

My boyfriend believed that his parents’ lifestyle was ideal. His dad has held the same job for 20 years. His mom raised their kids and volunteered in the community.

This “ideal life” view made me uneasy, but he understood that I was more of a free spirit. Then came the lockdown orders, the end of classes and no graduation. We each had to go home to our own parents.

I lost my independence, but gained time to think about different possibilities. My boyfriend was the best guy I could’ve been with at school. But when I suggested that we consider living in France for a while after the pandemic, he simply said he was not interested.

At home, I’ve asked my parents a lot about their lives. Mom had two kids, then took night classes toward her social work degree. Dad had to feed, bathe and stay home with us.

He’d recount growing up in a different country and culture, describing a larger world than we could imagine. Together, they’ve handled the lockdown restrictions, acting as a team doing whatever’s needed and whatever helps the most people survive COVID-19 and also revive the economy.

I now know that I, too, want to live with meaningful goals, and the kind of experiences that will broaden my mind and understanding of our world.

I must resume studies toward a solid degree that’s useful in many circumstances and places. Am I being unfair to my boyfriend for not wanting to move back together when it’s allowed, and look for “secure” jobs?

Changed Plans

A: The pandemic has shown that everything we know as “security” can change in a minute.

Now, you’ve learned that we need to have a core of security within ourselves. Your years as roomies were loving and honest, but not a lifetime vow … and now, you don’t share the same vision of the future.

The pandemic is an accident of time catching up with a “perfect storm” of habits and cultures that made it tragically easy for hundreds of thousands to die globally from a rampant virus without a cure, until a safe vaccine is invented.

It’s shown you a personal need for more input into what your future can hold — more knowledge, more useful skills in changing times, a broader world-view.

Your boyfriend may also change his plans one day, but for now, it’s up to you to take the first determined steps forward.

Reader’s Commentary: Regarding the woman emotionally abused by her mother for years (May 26):

I, too, left home in my late teens and moved far away, but the emotional abuse didn’t stop. I cut ties repeatedly, then hoped that the situation would improve. Finally, I made a complete break with her.

When she died, I attended her funeral and made semipeace with my father (who’d allowed the abuse). However, he was soon back to his nasty self. I cut all ties, but attended his funeral several years later.

Now, I wish I’d made a complete break over 40 years ago because of the emotional trauma the episodes caused my family and me.

When such individuals find a target, they just don’t let go. It’s up to “the target” to find the courage to cut the ties. Ellie’s tip of the day If you seek security in a changing world, search for it within your own ability to adapt.