How do you tell someone they smell?

The first step in this conversation is to consider the other person’s perspective, The Kit’s editor-at-large says

I run a store with only a few employees. One of the staff has a body odour issue that I am not sure how to approach. The odour is noticeable sometimes when she arrives for work. Other days it becomes apparent as the day goes on. We do not have an employee handbook and I am unsure how to discuss the topic in a manner that will not embarrass her and will not create issues moving forward. Do you have any advice on how I should handle this? — Name withheld, Burlington

I am so heartened that you are approaching this particular situation with humility and an open mind — a mighty combination — because this dilemma isn’t really about fragrance or body odour, of course; it’s a situation in which you’re responsible for preserving a person’s human dignity. “Kindness is the first thing to consider when you’re talking to people — but showing kindness doesn’t mean making yourself comfortable; it means being aware of how the other person is going to receive the conversation,” explains skilled human resources consultant Shauna Goldenberg, whom I called because she is a fair and diplomatic person who has had this very conversation with employees several times over the years.

“And critically, you can’t assume you know why the person smells; the source of the problem isn’t any of your concern because in terms of human rights, assuming that a person might smell because of what they eat, because of their nationality, is making a choice based on a racial profile, which is discrimination.” Assuming that it could be a medical condition is also not in your purview as an employer.

Though it’s potentially embarrassing, raising the issue of body odour is fair — especially if you think the issue might be affecting your business — but it’s critical to focus on solutions for the future. “This conversation should be, on your end, about 30 seconds at the most.” Delivering a long monologue filled with explanation might make you feel like you’re doing your due diligence, but it will likely only mortify your employee. So prepare for your chat with your employee’s well-being in mind, not your own anxiety. “First, ask yourself: What’s normal in our environment?” says Goldenberg. “If having one-on-one meetings isn’t the norm, especially during the COVID-19 pandemic when everyone is very sensitive to their financial security, then be aware that she will probably think she’s being fired if you mysteriously say, ‘Can we talk?’ Instead, make sure you preface a meeting with something like, ‘When you’re finished what you’re doing, I’d like to take a minute for a quick chat because I just want to bring something to your attention.’ ”

That way, your employee has a few minutes to ready herself, but isn’t likely going to be panic-stricken about getting fired.

Then, get yourself prepped to deliver the message with sensitivity. Perhaps that means practising the conversation by role-playing with a family member (without compromising your employee’s privacy); perhaps that means making sure to schedule the chat at a time when you won’t have to rush away to another meeting. “And make sure you’re calm,” says Goldenberg. “It’s difficult to deliver critical feedback. But if you focus on the fact that you’re talking to the person in order to help them be successful, that will make you more confident.”

Then, set the stage for the conversation in a space that can be considered safe for you both. For example, if having private meetings in your office is unusual, suggest you talk in, say, the break room instead. “You want to have enough privacy that it’s not likely someone will overhear you, but you might want to leave the door slightly ajar.”

Once you’re settled and ready to chat, get right to the point as politely as possible. “I’ve said the following: ‘It’s been brought to my attention that there is a strong odour about you. Is this something you’re aware of?’ Though you don’t need a big explanation from the person,” says Goldenberg.

“If they say yes, then you ask them if it’s something they can take on as a priority to manage. If they say that they weren’t aware of it, then say that you are glad that you were able to bring it to their attention and then, again, ask if it’s something they can manage. Then you thank them for their time and let them get back to work.”

If your employee seems resistant to fixing the issue, you can explain that all staff are expected to show sensitivity to customers and employees by avoiding strong scents of any kind — from perfume to cigarette smell to body odour. Or if she is visibly upset by the conversation, then allow her a moment to gather herself while you step out to get her a drink of water.

Though I know you’re hoping to avoid embarrassing your employee, it’s the most natural reaction. What you can control is whether there is pain or shame added to the mix. “When the embarrassment starts to show up, it’s important to acknowledge that this is an uncomfortable conversation, but that you’re raising the issue because you’re really invested in this person’s success,” says Goldenberg. “Let her know she is valued and respected.”

Send your pressing fashion and beauty questions to Kathryn at ask@thekit.ca