Need a Father’s Day gift? Just don’t bother
One reason Dads are so wonderful is we just don’t care about Father’s Day gifts.
I’m not saying we did not appreciate that striped tie or three-pack of snug briefs that came in a plastic tube. That was awesome, and I still have scars on my inner thighs. But there’s a reason Father’s Day started a couple of years after Mother’s Day in the early 20th century.
And there’s a reason spending is way less for dads than moms ever since. In fact, if you can point me to a year when Canadians splurged more on Father’s Day than even that made-up abomination called Valentine’s Day, I will gladly send you a spare canister of shaving gel or a novelty mug emblazoned with “World’s No. 1 Dad.”
Those mugs are mass produced every year. That’s like giving the Stanley Cup to every NHL team every spring.
The underlying problem? We dads are the last group in society safe to mock and stereotype: Dad bods! Dad jokes! Dad jeans! Dad caps! Dad memes! Dad noises! Dad rock! Dad sandals! There are no far-left outrage mobs prowling Twitter in a groupthink haze, zombified by postmodern and critical theory lunacy, eager to cancel anti-dad sentiment.
Apparently, the system needs to be dismantled because even the scientific method and Enlightenment values are racist. Right.
But we dads? We’re on our own. There will never be street protests in our name. There will never be a Million Dads March. It’s not happening, and we get it. We grabbed our ticket at the deli counter and realize we’re not getting that black forest ham until everyone else is served. Fine. Good. Fatherhood is about sacrifice and emotional hunger.
But when it comes to Father’s Day gifts during a global pandemic, are we dads not entitled to politely say, “No thanks”?
We honestly don’t want anything. Just knowing we helped spawn such lovely children is gift enough. During this insane lockdown, when I glance at my twin daughters drawing or giggling while watching Netflix, my heart is full of love. I can’t begin to tell you how proud I am of those cuddle monkeys who are so sensitive and thoughtful and generous. And I’m not taking any credit. They lucked out and ended up with one of the greatest mothers of all-time.
All I’m saying is, this Father’s Day, I really don’t want a “Coronavirus Journal” or a “GPS smartwatch.”
Those are two popular items in pandemic Father’s Day gift guides. A journal? Really? So at the end of every day until a vaccine is forthcoming, what, I can write, “Dear Diary, today I stayed home and cried on the inside”? And why do I need satellite positioning on my wrist right now? Just in case I get lost en route to the pantry?
Before the pandemic, Father’s Day gift guides were an afterthought — now they are a slap in our unshaved faces.
I get that service journalism is scrambling to offer up Father’s Day ideas for buyers who are stuck at home. It’s important to pretend everything is normal, even though it’s not. But that is no excuse to promote a monthly sub to a goddamn Pickle Club. Another popular Father’s Day gift: salami bouquets. Yes, tell Dad you love him with cured meats that expire in 2035.
I mean, why not just buy us antigravity boots and throw us off a skyscraper?
Esquire is plugging a Father’s Day “Wacky Wavy 6-ft. Tube Guy,” one of those yellow blowup figurines you normally see swaying on the roof of a used car dealership. The selling point: “Just in case dad needs a friend.”
I’m sorry, what? Screw you, Esquire! I do not need a plastic pal! I can talk to myself while barbecuing in a fugue state, thank you very much!
Some of the pandemic gift ideas on Amazon for Father’s Day include a “serial killer colouring book,” a collection of audio essays called “Idiot,” slippers with the F-word on one foot and “Off” on the other, and an interactive publication titled, no joke, “Little Penis: A
Finger Puppet Parody Book.” Meanwhile, a recent story in Boston Magazine — “Seven Gift Ideas for a Socially Distanced Father’s Day” — includes “Home Bar Supplies” and “A New At-Home Uniform.”
Yes, because that’s what every dad needs during lockdown: bespoke accessories to spurn more reckless imbibing.
And for the record, we dads already have a pandemic home uniform: it’s called underwear and bare chests. Ask Purolator.
Me Tarzan? Nope, me got nowhere to go.
Personally, I blame pop culture for the appalling Father’s Day buying guides this month. From Homer Simpson to Thanos, from Darth Vader to Dr. Evil, from “Say Anything” to “This Boy’s Life,” from “The Royal Tenenbaums” to “Arrested Development,” from “Rick and Morty” to “Family Guy,” screen dads are too often portrayed as bumbling, abusive, selfish, idiotic, emotionally distant losers with no responsibility for whom scotch-infused toothpicks or a miner’s lamp would be considered great pandemic gifts.
And on behalf of dads everywhere, I’m here to stop the madness before it’s too late.
Make us a lovely brunch on Sunday. Limit our chores. Give us a bit of space. Appreciate all that we do.
But, please, do not get conned by horrific Father’s Day gift ideas this pandemic, including this one from health.com:
“Dad’s bum dealt with a lot this quarantine due to toilet paper shortages, but this easy-to-install bidet will make it up to him!” It won’t. Our bums will never be the same.