Why are we being subjected to Pandemic Super Junk Food?
Remember when the lockdown started and we vowed to exercise, eat right and get fit?
What happened to our plans? By this point in June, I was supposed to have an eight-pack stomach. The only way that will happen now is if I start sleeping atop a giant waffle press. You know, really cram those flabby bits into the cast iron grooves and pray my pillow-muffled screams from the excruciating burning do not wake up my wife.
But I can’t even do that because I’m too busy making waffles!
Is there such a thing as quarantine cravings? Has this stupid pandemic activated our lizard brains as we trudge toward the fridge in search of key lime pies and Nanaimo bars? The other night, I had a hankering for a tall glass of strawberry Quik. Are you happy, Coronavirus? This hasn’t happened since Grade 5.
All I know is when I stare into a mirror, it is horrifically clear I am not flattening the curve.
And it would be nice if the mad scientists and taste testers and chemical wizards working for Big Food stopped tempting us with deranged mash-ups when we are at peak vulnerable.
I am wagging my fork at you, Kraft Dinner and Burger King.
On Wednesday, the brands announced a joint project that originated in the Third Circle of Hell: “The snack gods have spoken and this June, Kraft Dinner (KD) and Burger King, an iconic duo if ever there was one, are bringing Canadians the lockdown comfort snack they’ve been craving, KD Bites. With cheesy KD on the inside and a crispy coating on the outside, it’s everyone’s favourite mac and cheese, now bitesize.”
I don’t want to get hit with a libel suit in which the plaintive is a box of nuggets. But really? Canadians are already running on emotional fumes. And now KD & BK are pushing pods of Mac & Cheese that are deepfried in small batches like some kind of indie junk food?
And KD? If you were keen to partner with a burger chain, shouldn’t you have gone with McDonald’s?
Hello? The Big Mac and Cheese? Do I have to think of everything?
“Here in all its taste glory for a limited time, KD Bites are available exclusively at select Burger King locations and can be ordered through Uber Eats, Skip the Dishes and DoorDash,” reads the release, which is accompanied by a photo that is a time-bending inkblot for these strange times.
Before the pandemic, I would have gazed at that oozing food porn with disgust. KD Bites look like chicken strips that were colonized by orange larva, my brain would have snarked. That’s not food. That’s bite-sized gross.
But when I stared at the photo on Wednesday morning, for way too long, my brain was like: “Oh man, that looks DELICIOUS! You need to shove a bunch of those in your mouth
RIGHT NOW and then page Dr Pepper!”
In April, the Wall Street Journal published a story about how comfort foods were making a comeback. It makes sense. We are deeply uncomfortable. When the present turns into a holding pattern and the future is scary, the past becomes a mood anchor. It’s why we now rummage around the pantry like we’re in the third trimester of pregnancy. It’s why that sensible voice in our heads that once preached wellness in a sweater vest has been slapped silly and locked in a dungeon, replaced by a guy in knock-off sunglasses and slicked back hair who is whispering stuff like: “Come on. Stop being such a baby. Let’s try opium tonight! What do you have to lose?”
It’s hard to eat right when you’re scared to walk out your front door. I could put on my mask and go to the market to gather fresh ingredients for a kale salad. I could join a vegan delivery club. Or I could open my laptop and hit up Pizza Hut for a booty call of greasy goodness. This is the gustatory path of least resistance, my friends.
But maybe letting ourselves go right now is no big deal? If COVID-19 has shattered the illusion of normalcy, if this virus has revealed the tenuous nature of human existence vis-à-vis dangerous microbes, why not live it up while you can with a burger and fries? Why not rely upon chocolate to ease the stress and tedium of lockdown?
Then I think: No. NO! Studies have shown the best defence against this virus is a rock-solid immune system and healthy body. That’s not on the menu at Taco Bell. I suppose the key is moderation, in navigating the choppy waves between the buoys of “this makes me happy” and “this is good for me.”
So today I must do what I normally try to avoid in this space: not make snap judgments.
KD Bites? Listen, I do not believe you are a good idea for this great nation at this terrible time. My children would already commit arson for a bowl of KD. By combining that sloppy mess with a chicken nugget vibe, you have created a Pandemic Super Junk Food. This strikes me as highly irresponsible.
But let me be clear: I have not tasted KD Bites.
Does the Star have a strict policy that forbids journalists from accepting freebies? Absolutely.
Would it be a firing offence if I were to gently encourage the good people at Kraft Heinz Canada to send me an email, obtain my pandemic mailing address and promptly send over a piping hot basket of KD Bites and maybe throw in a few Whoppers? I believe it would.
But as I sit here drooling, the voice in my head won’t shut up.
“Screw the Star! Screw your body! Get those KD Bites! What do you have to lose?”