Trump robbed of his true title
People’s latest choice for Sexiest Man Alive is a travesty,
Dear Rudy Giuliani:
I am calling upon you to investigate People’s Sexiest Man Alive.
The magazine is obviously engaged in a dark conspiracy. It elects a Sexiest Man Alive each year with no poll watchers, zero recounts and rampant fraud.
Three years ago, for example, Blake Shelton was anointed Sexiest Man Alive. Yes. Blake. Shelton. A man who looks like he just came-to after getting walloped in the back of the head with a 2x4 by muggers who then garbed his lifeless torso in an irregular buttondown from The Gap.
Shelton slipped up in his 2017 victory speech: “I’ve been ugly my whole life.”
Exactly. And this week, more proof of shenanigans: actor Michael B. Jordan was just elected to the high office of Sexiest Man Alive. Does he have exquisite bone structure and dreamy eyes? Sure. But are you telling me Michael B. Jordan is sexier than Donald J. Trump?
Let’s stop beating around the mulberry bush outside the Four Seasons Total Landscaping. On Wednesday, as the vote count of the 2020 Sexiest Man Alive was certified on social media, the injustice was shocking.
Your client was robbed. Anyone who has seen him bust robotic moves to “Y.M.C.A.” or gnaw on a KFC drumstick, dripping grease on the lapels of his vintage Sears Roebuck two-piece, can plainly see Trump is the Sexiest Man Alive.
It’s important to remember People is owned by Meredith Corp., which has a slate of lamestream titles that have fallen under the spell of evil globalists. We already know George Soros is secretly funding Food & Wine to push Zinfandels chemically altered by Bill Gates that will turn decent people into liberals. Don’t be surprised if a doctored photo of Sleepy Joe pumping iron is next month’s cover of Health.
I have set-up a tip hotline: 1-800-DON-SEXY. I have to tell you, the messages are troubling. One whistleblower confirms conservative electors at People were not allowed to get too close to images of Trump lounging poolside at Mar-a-Lago in his MAGA thong. The alleged reason, from editor-in-chief Dan Wakeford, was that he did not want to trigger projectile vomiting near the Decision Desk.
So now they’re trying to pretend images of Michael B. Jordan seductively rubbing his goatee while behind the wheel of a luxury SUV are somehow sexier than footage of our jaundiced and masked friend making the walk of shame to Marine One before he was rushed to Walter Reed with the ’rona?
Please. We can’t let People get away with this assault on sexy democracy.
We already know Trump is the richest and most powerful man to ever walk this Earth. He has the biggest crowds. He has the greatest ratings. He knows more than the Generals. His vocabulary includes the best words. So why are you trying to force him to serve in a non-sexy job he clearly finds tedious and a waste of time he could better spend rage-tweeting, watching cable news and denying reality?
Trump doesn’t want to keep presidenting anymore than LeBron James wants to spend the next four years writing traffic tickets. By the way, if I ever get pulled over, I will happily pay your 20K-per-day retainer to have you represent me in court: “Your Honour, not only was the radar gun rigged, my client wasn’t even driving that afternoon — he was on the bus!”
Rudy, the point is simple: Donald Trump is the Sexiest Man Alive. Period. But People’s corrupt system has falsely bestowed the title on Michael B. Jordan. The actor, who stars in the upcoming “Without Remorse,” is showing no remorse for stealing this election. Trump once framed and hung on his wall a fake cover of Time’s Man of The Year. He’s spent years bickering with Forbes to get higher placement on The World’s Billionaires list. I’m sure the entire masthead at Golf Digest has changed phone numbers multiple times after their voicemail got clogged with demands they do a 5,000word feature on his chip-shot prowess.
And right now, as he hides from the public, Trump has never been sexier.
His bunker mentality is hot. You should be sending People grainy surveillance footage of Trump stomping around the White House in his bathrobe, berating underlings and speeddialing Rupert Murdoch. You should FedEx 8x10s to People, documenting Trump’s sepia quest to blow up America on his way out while also boobytrapping the premises.
I can picture Sleepy Joe having a massive coronary in January when he reaches into the Resolute Desk looking for a pen and a Jack-in-the-Box with Ivanka’s face springs out of the drawer. Would Michael B. Jordan ever think of something that beautiful?
You were in court on Tuesday and the reporting was grim. It’s almost as if you never went to law school. Or you were walloped with a 2x4? You were name-checking Mickey Mouse and spouting bonkers conspiracies not contained in legal filings. At one point, you even asked the judge to define “opacity.” Why, it’s almost as if you are deliberately throwing this case.
I get it. You and I both know this is doomed because there was no fraud. This is a blowtorch to our legacies. But Donald J. Trump as Sexiest Man Alive? That is debatable.
This is a fight we can take all the way to the Supreme Court. Your friend,
Lindsey Graham
People elects a Sexiest Man Alive each year with no poll watchers, zero recounts and rampant fraud