Melania, Ivanka, Jared, Rudy: just think where your careers could take you next.
Menon,
It feels like America is getting out of an abusive relationship.
Let’s face it, for the last four years, Donald Trump has been a democracy-beater. I’m surprised the Statue of Liberty doesn’t have two black eyes. But come Wednesday, at high noon, this Ultimate Loser will be relegated to the history books.
What I will remember most about Trump’s twice-impeached, one-term flame-out — beyond the lying, cheating, narcissism, neglect, laziness and incompetence — will be how he brought out the worst in the people who loved him the most. I have heard from hundreds of Trump fans over the years and the native tongue was always hostility.
I didn’t realize there were so many broken souls out there until they all put on red hats and pledged undying devotion to a demagogue. It was bigly sad. Millions of previously good and decent folk completely lost their minds. That’s what happens in abusive relationships.
But let’s not dwell on what will soon become the past after Joseph R. Biden takes office. Let us be inspired by the new president’s unwavering message of unity and healing.
As a sucker for those “Where Are They Now?” stories — some headlines this week include “‘Toddlers & Tiaras’: Where Are They Now?” and “‘Glee’ Cast: Where Are They Now?” — the career trajectories for “The Trump Show” ensemble, past and present, are not exactly stellar. Mark Meadows is probably working on his covering letter for 7Eleven.
“Man alive, that Big Gulp is so refreshing. I’d love to help spread the word.”
If I were in HR, I’d interview the BTK Killer before anyone
who worked for Trump.
That’s what this inner circle now faces: pariah status caused by the massive reputational damage they inflicted upon themselves. You think Sean Spicer hasn’t given serious thought to dancing for wooden nickels down by the airport? Please. The only way those associated with Trump will ever find gainful employment is total reinvention.
So, in the spirit of unity and healing, I’d like to offer some new career paths.
Let’s start with Melania Trump, the First Wallflower who always looked like she was having an out-of-body experience at Hermès. On Monday night, “The Late Show With Stephen Colbert” aired a bit in which actress Laura Benanti impersonated Melania in a farewell song-and-dance that had Mrs. Trump discovering everyone in New York hates her guts.
Melania’s signature contribution, the awkwardly titled “Be Best” campaign against cyberbullying, generated eye-rolls
because she is married to the biggest bully of them all. She would have had more credibility launching a fatwa against golf or KFC.
That is why Melania needs to reinvent as an interior decorator or flight attendant.
She needs to spend more time in other people’s homes or be miles away from Donald.
He has destroyed her brand. He has turned her into a laughingstock.
You know what Stephen Miller should do next? He should start over as an author of children’s books for an underserved market: the offspring of racists. Instead of “Goodnight Moon” or “Where the Wild Things Are,” he could pen bestsellers such as “Goodnight Kids in Cages” or “The Wild Things Are in Mexico.”
Rudy Giuliani should become a paranormal activist. If he’s willing to lie through his dentures about a quote-unquote stolen election, proving the existence of UFOs or Bigfoot could be a very lucrative calling and help with those alimony
payments to the second cousin. Are we living in a simulated reality or did Hugo Chavez dry-hump a laptop that once belonged to Hunter Biden and is the Deep State working for Amazon?
That lunatic MyPillow Guy should start selling duvets stuffed with crack cocaine, which is what I’m assuming he sleeps with as he summons the unicorns to install martial law. If Steve Bannon does not get a pardon on Tuesday, he should become a distiller. I have never seen a man closing in on 70 who always looks like he’s just staggered out of a kegger. Bannon’s capacity to grift is also off the charts, which is why he’s now in some legal peril, as are so many characters from “The Trump Show.”
His reinvention: Steve Bannon’s “Sloppy Scotch.”
Aged for 18 years or two weeks, whatever comes first, this botanical elixir with notes of oak and insurrection, is the perfect nightcap after a book club meeting to discuss “The Fourth Turning” before it
descends into a bar brawl over China’s GDP.
Kayleigh McEnany should become the new mouthpiece for the TsF-18 Centrifuge, the only facility on this planet worthy of her spinning. Kellyanne Conway should go into family counselling. If I ever have marital problems or issues with my daughters, I’d pay good money to hear what Kellyanne has to say just so I can do the opposite.
Ivanka & Jared should start a swingers club that doubles as a Ponzi scheme. Or move to another country and become fancy slumlords. Donnie Jr. and Eric should launch a new reality show that has them searching for missing pets. But there’s a twist: viewers do not know if these scions will rescue the cats and dogs or hunt them down for sport.
America’s abusive relationship is ending. “The Trump Show” is finally over. Hurray!
But for the disgraced cast, unity and healing won’t be so easy.