Fake pillow talk scoop is just plain baffling
EXCLUSIVE: Julie Payette had a secret romance with Kiefer Sutherland.
Imagine if that was the headline on this dispatch. Would you click on it? You would click so fast, you’d break a fingernail. The exiting governor general, who did or did not make Rideau Hall as toxic a workplace as a tainted batch of Liquid-Plumr, was making booty calls with the actor from “24”? He wooed her with long-stem roses and Veuve Clicquot? Her friends never understood the chemistry? He’s a Hollywood big-shot. She’s a former astronaut and, according to some Ottawa underlings, a real bitch? What could these two lovebirds possibly have in common? Cupid, how could this be?
A romance this mystifying would be catnip to readers.
It would be the Michael Jordan of clickbait.
Now, the reason that is not
the headline on this column is because I just made the whole thing up. Julie Payette and Kiefer Sutherland never had sex, at least not that I’ve heard. Though if they did, I would pay good money to read a transcript of the pillow talk.
Kiefer: “Was that good for you?”
Julie: “Do not ask me questions. Do not look me in the eye. Do not challenge my authority. Now get dressed as Jack Bauer and go make me a ham sandwich.”
Speaking of bedding and improbable trysts, let’s get to a headline that was published this week in the Daily Mail: “EXCLUSIVE: Trump-loving MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell had secret romance with ‘30 Rock’ actress Jane Krakowski and wooed her with flowers and champagne in relationship that BAFFLED her friends.”
It BAFFLED more than her friends, Daily Mail. I needed half a bottle of Visine to lubricate the eye-rolling. Is this British tabloid suggesting Lindell — a far-right, bornagain, bedroom magnate who is hard on iffy marketing and soft on treason — hooked up with Krakowski?
I get that opposites attract. But these two are different species.
It’s like hearing Cardi B had a torrid affair with Ben Shapiro.
People, there is no way to reconcile WAP and conservative, orthodox Judaism.
The publication quoted “sources” and “friends.” I couldn’t believe what I was reading.
“They would fight and Jane would throw all of the gifts that he had given her away,” said one source. “Then they would make up and there would be more gifts again.”
According to one friend: “Jane was impressed that Mike had turned his life around, from his recovery from crack cocaine and alcohol addiction to now being sober and worth hundreds of millions of dollars.”
After BAFFLED media outlets started making calls, a rep for the actress released a hilarious statement: “Jane has never met Mr. Lindell. She is not and has never been in any relationship with him, romantic or otherwise. She is, however, in full-fledged fantasy relationships with Brad Pitt, Regé-Jean Page, and Kermit the Frog and welcomes any and all coverage on those.”
Good lord. I try not to condemn other media because this industry is staring down existential threats and we are in it together. But, Daily Mail? What the hell is wrong with you? Aren’t we already up to our waists in reader skepticism? Why fabricate a story that has the charming host of “Name That Tune” bumping uglies with the MyPillow lunatic?
She’s an angel. He’s a real bitch. This makes no sense!
The weirdest part of this totally weird story is the final two paragraphs:
“When approached by DailyMail.com, Krakowski denied even knowing Lindell and said only: ‘I’ve never met the man.’ ” Huh?
“Lindell said: ‘I have never even heard of Jane Krakowski???’ ” I’m sorry, what?
Let’s get back to my analogy. So I tell editors I have an “exclusive.” Julie Payette and Kiefer Sutherland were lovers. My editors ask, “Did you confirm and reach out for comment?”
And I reply: “Sure did! She says they never met! And he’s never heard of her!”
I’d now be selling hot dogs outside Canadian Tire.
In 2014, USA Today published a real exclusive, this one by George Clooney. He was responding to another insane Daily Mail story that alleged the mother of his fiancée, now wife Amal, had objected to their wedding for religious reasons.
“First of all, none of the story is factually true,” wrote Clooney. “Amal’s mother is not Druze. She has not been to Beirut since Amal and I have been dating, and she is in no way against the marriage …”
When Clooney rained hellfire upon the story’s casual reference to honour killings for brides who enter into disapproved matrimony, the Daily Mail quickly apologized and deep-sixed the content online.
But as I write this on Friday afternoon, the debunked Lindell-Krakowski tale is still getting clicks without correction or retraction. And at a time when political polarization is driving rampant distrust of the media, all I can do is beg the Daily Mail to set the record straight or, at the very least, explain itself.
Journalists are now fighting a credibility war on multiple fronts.
The last thing we need is fake news about celebrity hookups that never were.